Baby Steps
by Kai-Chan94
Summary: Evil sadistic toddlers that are bent on driving Ichigo crazy? Let's see who comes out on top.
1. The Insanity Begins

Baby Steps

Chapter 1: The Insanity Begins

From the top of a mostly destroyed building there was a loud noise, similar to the sounds of crunching gravel, and the sounds of overstressed, groaning metal. A few moments after the suspicious sounds wrenched the air a large slab of the crumbling building detached itself from the roof and fell onto the already chaotic mess below. The upturned dust was inhaled shortly after by a comatose teen lying bloodied and injured under a horizontal piece of concrete. Once inhaled, it caused the teen to wake after experiencing the results of the inhaled dust; in other words, a series of coughing fits that had the teen expelling blood in a large burst of air.

Feeling weak after the effects of the coughing, hazel brown eyes opened slowly and started to take in what they were surrounded by. The whole place around him was a disaster area, with unstable buildings more often than not dropping large loads of cement and plaster onto the mess below. There was not a single intact thing there except for the two towers in the distance, keeping this fake Karakura Town here in this dimension.

The cement above him shifted and he was aware of a presence right above him. Too exhausted to do much else then turn his head, the hazel orbs focused on the small shadow that was right in front of him. "Nell?" he questioned in a croak, his voice almost gone from the abuse it had forgone an indefinable amount of time ago. The figure's shadow shifted a bit, but stayed still.

Hazel eyes closed in exhaustion once more, no longer caring if whatever it was, was an enemy or otherwise. He was so tired…

He fell asleep moments later, his body relaxing in the realm of sleep. The figure on top of the cement stayed there for a couple more moments until he was sure that the other male was asleep. Curious, he peered over the edge of the cement and saw bright orange. Surprisingly, the small figure didn't flinch back to the safety of the top of the cement. Instead he carefully climbed down and looked at the teenager in front of him. The orange haired boy was wheezing in his sleep, as if he was having trouble breathing. Small, creamy pale hands threaded themselves in the bright strands, slowly smoothing the wild hair down. The teen stirred briefly, but only enough to unconsciously nuzzle into the small hand.

Sitting down next to the teen, emerald blue eyes focused on the large blood puddle slowly becoming bigger, soaking into the oversized black shihakusho top he was wearing and into the black clothe of the teen's shihakusho that was barely enough to cover his private parts and his leg. Small, creamy pale hands once again threaded their way into the wild orange mess, waking up the teen from his accidental nap.

Emerald blue orbs focused on the stirring teen's face, but didn't move away or otherwise react. Instead, the small body moved up until those beautiful orbs were focused on _un_focused hazels. The small body waited for a moment before he got into the teen's face and let out a small whine.

Hazel brown orbs automatically focused onto the face hovering in front of his own when their eyes locked. Reiatsu suddenly exploded from both figures, their eyes glowing blue from the large amount pouring from them. Their reiatsu swirled around them until the small figure's own reiatsu latched onto the teens own and fused.

Mouth open and gaping Kurosaki Ichigo nearly hit the roof of the cement above his head when he saw the small figure in front of him. It was a small toddler, one that was smaller than usual. His hair was a pure white and his skin was a creamy pale color. Large, curious, and innocent eyes stared straight into his own. He was only wearing a large shihakusho top around his small body and he looked an awful lot like-

Ichigo blinked before saying in a cracked, strained tone, "Toshiro?"

"Toshiro" cocked his head to the side, a smile making its way onto his face as he cooed. Ichigo nearly fainted from the shock. Never in his existence would he even dare to think that this situation would happen to Hitsugaya Toshiro. Nell was enough as it is.

The small toddler cooed at him again, eyes sparkling before lifting his arms forward towards his face. Ichigo lifted himself up using his less injured arm. Grabbing the toddler around the middle gently, he army crawled out of the enclosed space- toddler firmly placed in his arms.

Once out of the enclosed space he stood unsteadily, the amount of blood he still had left, rushing to his head. Toshiro giggled in his arms, placing his small arms around his neck as far as they would go. He nearly dropped the kid out of shock-or maybe laughter. After all, it was funny that the no-childish-things-even-though-I-look-like-a-friggin'-child captain had turned into a toddler. If this _was_ Toshiro that is.

Hefting the toddler higher up his shoulder he looked around for anyone that could help him. When he was battling with Aizen he had gotten' separated from his friends and since his spiritual awareness sucked, the only option he had was to look around or look for signs of a fight. At the moment the only thing he could do was to wander around for the moment.

Turning himself forward, he was about to head in the direction of the distant towers when he felt a tap of a small hand on his collar bone. Looking down, Toshiro was grunting and pointing in the opposite direction of the towers. His emerald blue eyes were wide and wet with unshed tears.

His own hazel orbs widening in slight distraught confusion he rubbed the tiny boy's back and asked, "Why are you crying? Do you want me to go that way?" His throat sounded even worse than it did before.

Toshiro's moistened eyes dried up fractionally before he pointed once more in the opposite direction of the towers, and began to grunt in distress. Quickly calming down the toddler before things could get out of hand, he carefully made his way in that direction. He didn't have anything to lose and Toshiro seemed to know something that he didn't anyways.

Walking in the direction Toshiro had pointed him to, he thought about what he would do next. His body would more than likely fail if he had to fight anymore enemies and unfortunately he had lost Zangetsu.

At the thought of Zangetsu he inwardly grinned. If he could get in contact with Zangetsu, maybe he could take human form -wherever he was- and bring his friends to him.

'_Is that what you want, Ichigo?'_ was the reply from his Zanpakuto. He grinned and gave a mental nod. Zangetsu simply closed his eyes and vanished from his inner world.

Continuing on as if nothing had happened, Ichigo followed the wordless instructions from the toddler in his arms. The buildings surrounding them were still dumping concrete and plaster onto the upturned cement that was supposed to make up the roads. Cars were overturned and glass was smashed. All in all it was a bloody mess and Ichigo had no idea how the shinigami were going to fix it, if they even did. More than likely they were going to use kido. Just the thought of the dreaded word made him wince; he was horrible with it, be it casting it or being on the receiving end of it.

He felt a tiny hand gently tapping his neck. When the toddler noticed that he had the teenager's attention, the tiny hand then pointed at the ground a little farther ahead of them. From what the strawberry substitute could tell there were two large lumps; one that had a distinctly blue quality to it and one that had a green quality to it. Or maybe that was the reiatsus' he sensed.

Orange brows furrowing in concern the substitute shinigami carefully cradled the toddler in his arms and rushed to the two lumps Toshiro had pointed out. As he got closer the figures became clearer until he was looking at two more toddlers that looked distinctly familiar.

_Grimmjow?_ Was his shocked thought. _Ulquiorra?_

The two toddlers were knocked out and bloody on the ground. Both were missing the broken remnants of their hollow masks that signified what they were, but if you ever met the two then you would know straight off who they were. For instance Grimmjow still had the blue markings around his eyes that made him look somewhat like a feline. The sharp features of a mostly adult had all softened and his little face looked peaceful. He still had his tan and his sword was still next to him, albeit halfway smothered in the suddenly too large clothes.

Ulquiorra was still the same too. His dark, obsidian black hair, pale skin, and weird markings that looked like tear tracks were still on his face, and just like Grimmjow he was unconscious with his clothes and sword spread out around him in waves. His sharp features were all blunted and softened, his face crinkled up into a small frown. Come to think of it even Grimmjow looked like that, even though his face was pretty much expressionless at the moment.

Bending down next to his now former enemies, -because how the hell was he supposed to injure friggin' _toddlers_- Ichigo gently lifted Grimmjow, wrapping the now too big white espada top around the small body. Toshiro –who he had set down after grabbing Grimmjow- was now over by Ulquiorra, trying to wake the slightly bigger boy from what the child perceived as a "nap." Seeing the other white haired child trying to do that, Ichigo quickly scooted over and grabbed the small boy with his one free arm. Toshiro immediately turned around and cooed into his neck, a bright smile once again taking over his small features.

The two may look like toddlers, but that didn't mean that they'd act like one. As the situation was, he'd rather Toshiro stayed with him as the little captain look-alike hadn't tried to kill him. If he was right in any case then it was a win-win situation. Besides he was cute-

-Ichigo twitched. It was weird seeing his usually irritable friend acting like this. It was also just his luck that as he had picked up Grimmjow both the new toddlers started waking up. Ulquiorra was the first surprisingly, lifting bright green eyes onto hazel brown just at the same time as the icy blue haired toddler did the same. The same reaction with Toshiro happened again, the three reiatsus slowly merging together until they were indistinguishable. There was no way that Ichigo missed it that time, injured or not. It probably had to do with him actually being awake and slowly recovering from his injuries.

Putting the blue haired toddler down quickly and wearily, Ichigo scooted back with Toshiro in his arms. Ulquiorra and Grimmjow both looked at him, tears filling their eyes more and more the further away he got. It finally got to the point that Grimmjow's electric blue eyes were shedding glistening tears down his tan baby face. Ulquiorra didn't bother as the small toddler got up and toddled as quickly as he could over to the orange haired soul reaper, arms extended.

Toshiro whined in his arms, purposely patting Ichigo's tanned cheek, an irritated expression overtaking the childish features. Ichigo stopped his hasty retreat, still wary of the other two toddlers toddling their way to him as fast as they could. Ulquiorra was the first to reach him, sobs overtaking the usually emotionless looks of the supposedly now ex-Espada. He threw himself onto Ichigo's lap, clutching the tarnished material in a solid grip. Burying his face into the tanned thigh below, the emerald eyed toddler refused to look up into Ichigo's more than shocked face.

… This didn't even begin to cover the pure, unadulterated terror when Grimmjow of all people toddles his way up to him and buries his face in his bare thigh. He very nearly had a panic attack right there. What was going on? He wanted answers and the sooner he was back with his friends the sooner he would get them. Not only that, but the situation was really starting to freak him out.

Using his free hand to smooth obsidian black locks he promptly did the same with icy blue. He didn't really think that the touch would do anything, but surprisingly Grimmjow and Ulquiorra both _relaxed_ under his touch, cuddling into his legs. At the actions Toshiro cooed in triumph, cuddling back into Ichigo's neck from his place in his arms.

Biting his lip until blood dripped down from the ragged wound he gently set Toshiro down and pulled the two toddlers off of him. Three pairs of eyes looked up at him curiously, watching him as he stood and staggered over to the three kids' stuff, and following after him desperately when they realized that he was moving away from them. When they caught up with him they all clung to his legs with a fierceness that belied their appearance. He was forced to hobble around like an old man as he picked up the items on the ground.

Tying the three swords around his mostly bare waist he gazed down exasperatedly at the clinging toddlers as he grabbed the rest of the scattered clothes. Tying them onto his tattered obi he gazed down at the clinging kids. They looked up at him with unconcealed adoration, happiness lighting their beautiful eyes. What was slightly more surprising however was the weariness in their movements, the caution in which they looked at him. It was as if they though he would fade away if they even stopped to breathe.

Bending down the children all reluctantly let go, clinging once again when he was stopped in a crouch. It was just as endearing as it was annoying even if they were only clinging because they were scared.

"If there is a god out there…" Ichigo murmured, bending down and scooping up the three children awkwardly. They giggled and kissed his cheeks. He blanched.

"He most _definitely_ hates me…"


	2. Shit Happens

Kai: Sorry for last time all! I just wanted to get it up in time for Halloween and I didn't have much time to do it as I went Trick-or-Treating! Me got lots of candies! Also, it was my nephews birthday so we all got hyped up on cake and ice cream! Yays! Well, as promised, my new chapter of Baby Steps! Hope you all got a good laugh as I know I did!

Disclaimer: Seriously. Would I _really_ be typing _Fan_fiction if I owned Bleach? (And just to state the obvious: HELL NO!)

* * *

Baby Steps

Chapter 2: Shit Happens

"Damn it Grimmjow! Stop hitting me in the fucking head!"

There was a lull in the noise before a loud wail wrenched the air. Ichigo groaned in frustration as Ulquiorra and himself barely managed to get an evil looking Toshiro's sharp little teeth out of Grimmjow's arm.

"Make that _tooth_," he muttered a few seconds later, peering in morbid fascination at the tiny _fang_ poking out of a smugly smirking Toshiro's mouth.

Ulquiorra peered at him exasperatedly, as if asking "Why the hell haven't you done something yet?"

Because I'm not a damn nanny, he thought maliciously and nearly gagged with shock when the three toddlers turned and looked at him knowingly, as if they already knew what he was thinking.

"…That's it," he finally said, paranoia slowly making itself a nice, cozy room and rooting itself in to stay. "When I find my friends I'm going on a fucking vacation. Screw school. Me and Zangetsu will go to Hawaii or Jamaica or something." The thought was _really_ appealing.

'_Jeez King. There just ah bunch of chibis…'_ came the _very_ amused thought of his inner hollow.

'_Shut the fuck __**up**__ hollow!'_ was Ichigo's vicious thought. He really didn't want to get into a power struggle with the hollow when he had a bunch of toddlers in his arms.

He felt a fake wounded feeling coming from the hollow.

'_Come on King!'_ the hollow pouted, though didn't realize he was going it. _'The name is Shirosaki __**Hi**__-__**Chi**__-__**Go**__! __**Hichigo!**__ You gave me the name so now __**you**__ have to call me it.'_

Rolling his eyes in exasperation Ichigo muttered out loud, "Suuuuuuuuuure I gave you that name. What happened to all that crap about 'I'm the oh so pitiful horse and I get no attention from my King!'?"

'_Quit mocking me damn it!'_ Hichigo snarled, irritation blistering in his tone.

'_Oh, woe is me! I'm such a poor, poor neglected hollow! Won't anyone see that I'm just a crazy, murderous psycho and be my friend?'_

Hichigo screeched his objections quite loudly in his head. The orange haired shinigami even made special notes of some of the fancier insults and curses used.

After Hichigo's rather impressive fit the golden and black eyed albino snorted in irritation and sulked in the back of Ichigo's mind.

'_Why the hell is it so noisy?'_ asked a tired, irritated voice.

Hichigo screamed in surprise, surprising Ichigo in turn as he nearly fell over in shock.

'_What the hell's your problem!'_ Ichigo shouted, a vein close to bursting on his head.

'_You were born!'_ Hichigo shouted back, golden eyes glaring death and daggers at the newly reappeared Zangetsu.

Zangetsu looked worse for wear; his normally fashionably tattered black and white cloak were ripped in places while blood slowly seeped from large gashes. His yellow visor sunglasses were cracked on one side and his long and curly flowing dark brown hair was slightly singed.

'_Don't fuck with me,'_ Zangetsu muttered, walking slowly over to the pole where he usually stood. _'I've had a __**hell**__ of a day.'_ Jumping onto the pole he appeared like all was wrong in the world.

'_**He's**__ had a hell of a day, huh?'_ Hichigo murmured, his left eye beginning to twitch. _'I've had a hell of an __**existence**__ and all I get is "Shut up Hollow!" or "I'm not going to let him take over my soul!" and ooooooooh my favorite! "I'm going to kill you Hollow!" I need __**years**__ of therapy for the shit he's put me through!'_ He yelled, pointing at Ichigo, looking like he was a complete and total maniac.

Ichigo, finally fed up with the literal mental abuse, appeared in his Inner World. His body still appeared injured like it was on the outside world, but that didn't stop him from pointing a finger of his own so to say.

"_You_ need years of therapy! You and Zangetsu drive me fucking _insane_ with all your arguing! 'Zanny, Ichigo's being a bastard!' and 'Zanny, Ichigo won't let me fight!' and let us not forget _my favorite_! 'Come on King! You're weak; let me fight!' I have fucking migraines _all the fucking time_ thanks to you!"

Hichigo snarled and lunged at Ichigo which had them both rolling across the sideways skyscraper like a bunch of fussy children. Zangetsu closed his eyes, patience quickly and quietly coming to an end.

"You're a dick you fucking bastard!" Hichigo yelled in fury.

Ichigo bit the white haired albino, but through his teeth you could hear a, "Well, _you're_ a bastard!"

"Yo mama!"

"Oh, hell no! You did _not_ just bring my mother into this!"

"Oooooooooh! Scared of the big bad Hollow King?"

"In your dreams bastard!"

"You already said that!"

"Since when do you care about shit like that?!"

"Since forever!"

"Yeah, right!"

"Shut up!"

"Make me!"

As the two continued to argue and spit curses at each other, Zangetsu became increasingly and increasingly murderous.

"You suck yo daddy's dick!"

"You lick a prostitutes pussy!"

All of a sudden Zangetsu jumps down from the pole he's on and grabs it, yanking it from the building. It was really the Zangetsu sword stuck upside down in the building, but moments later it turned into a decent sized black, metal, baseball bat.

Ichigo, facing Zangetsu in the first place, let out quite a girly screech as he turned tail and fled from the Zangetsu pumping anger steroids. Hichigo turned around slowly, having no idea of which the demon they released.

"Die you fucking pansy!" was Zangetsu's murderous howl as he swung the bat at Hichigo's head.

There was a sickening crack as the bat connected perfectly with Hichigo's face. He was sent flying into the air and crashed directly on top of a distantly fleeing Ichigo. Even from Zangetsu's far away position from the two he heard another satisfying crack as both of their heads connected painfully. Ichigo went down faster than a person riding a wild bull.

Zangetsu smirked darkly, satisfied with his work. He transformed the bat back into the sword and stuck it back in its previous position in the building. After making sure that it was secure he jumped back onto it as he waited for his two idiot users to come back into a lucid state of consciousness.

A couple minutes after Zangetsu's rather impressive display of anger Ichigo and his albino twin both groaned as they came into consciousness.

"What the hell hit me?" was the first thing that was bit out of a achy teenage shinigami.

Hichigo just groaned on top of him in response.

Ichigo's eye began to twitch as he realized who was responsible for his forced trip into la-la land.

"Get _**off**_!!!" Ichigo roared and somehow managed to kick his inner hollow off of him.

Hichigo recovered moments later enough to screech out a barely coherent, "I hope ya' go an' ge' kicked in tha balls, Kin!"

Ichigo sneered at the albino before wearily noting a glaring Zangetsu. Gulping, he decided that he'd rather not piss off his Zanpakuto again and scrambled behind Hichigo.

"What the hell King?" Hichigo muttered when he finally made his more than likely concussion confused mind register his king's presence. With an audible groan he sat up and was immediately held as a shield in Ichigo's unrelenting arms.

"Damn it Ichigo!" Hichigo yelled and would've followed through with a threat if he hadn't registered a chill that was slowly making its way down his spine. Turing around he finally saw what had been the cause of his condition in the first place.

Laughing nervously Hichigo yelled to the distant Zangetsu, "Sorry 'bou that Zanny!" He could distantly hear a grunt from the pissed off Zanpakuto.

Getting up slowly, the two made their way at a slow walk back to the irritable Zangetsu.

It was on the way there that Ichigo blinked and wearily asked Hichigo in a careful tone, "Did we just get our asses kicked by an old man?"

Hichigo actually paused in his steps, a horrified silence overtaking everything as the one-way conversation stopped and they finally made it to Zangetsu.

Zangetsu moodily asked the two, "Are you finally ready to hear what happened?"

The two nodded sulkily, continuing to pout at the fact that they got their assess handed to them by an old man. However, the explanation was not to be as Ichigo was booted out of his mind to find three toddlers wailing at the top of their lungs.

I bet you're all wondering why that is aren't you? Do not fear as all will be explained.

When Ichigo had gone into his inner world, everything did not freeze like Ichigo assumed it would. Instead his body paused in the action of walking, a blank look overtaking his features. This had -of course- scared the toddlers silly as they tried various ways to get Ichigo to pay them the slightest bit of attention. When nothing worked they all began to wail and, sure enough, Ichigo paid attention to them. What Ichigo didn't know is that he had started a very bad habit that will soon contribute in making him go insane…

"Holy shit!" Ichigo yelled, his eyes going wide and his whole body beginning to twitch as he was exposed full force to the unholy racket.

In his Inner World…

"MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!" Hichigo screeched at the top of his lungs, running around in a circle as he went temporarily deaf in both of his ears.

Zangetsu twitched right alongside his main wielder as he pulled out a baggy with a white powder in it.

Looking at it he muttered to himself, "I know I promised to never again sniff, smoke, or inject any sort of drugs ever again…" He looked at the mental images of his wielder holding three toddlers and twitched once. Violently.

Opening the baggie he poured some on his wrist, grabbed a rolled up paper, and sniffed it in.

"But sometime shit happens and _I_ don't want to deal with it."

* * *

Kai: Yo! I just want to thank everyone for their awesome reviews as I really appreciate them. I have low self-esteem about my stories and I can't believe I'm actually posting this up here!

Kitty(BFF): You wouldn't _have_ such low self-esteem if you didn't go all OCD about them.

Kai: Kitty?

Kitty: Yeah, Kai?

Kai: Shut up.


	3. Life Sucks

Kai: Okay, people I hope you enjoy the new chapter of Baby Steps! This baby is my laughter, sadism, and general love of torturing some of my favorite Bleach characters rolled into one funny little ball.

Ryu: That's not all that's funny Kai.

Kai: (Realizing what he meant -my intelligence in other words- I threw a rock from my rock collection at him) Ass!

Ryu: You love me for it.

Kai: (Groans in mocking self pity) Give me a heads up and review my story damn it! I'm not like the other authors that say you put up these stories for fun and shouldn't expect reviews- _THEY ARE MY LIFE BLOOD DAMN IT!!!!_

Ryu: (Sighs and promptly knocks me out with a swift chop of his hand) Kai does not own Bleach and, honestly, do you expect someone as insane as this to actually have money? So no suing.

* * *

Baby Steps

Chapter 3: Life Sucks

"Oh, thank god," Ichigo said in a truly relieved fashion.

'_Are they finally asleep?'_ Hichigo asked kinda' loudly in his head, his hearing apparently still being somewhat affected.

'_Yeah. Do **NOT**__ wake them up as I'm pretty sure that you really __**will**__ go deaf this time,'_ Ichigo muttered, still ridiculously relieved to the point of kneeling down and kissing the ground in thanks ("Which I didn't!" Ichigo protested).

Hichigo snorted although it sounded a tad more nervous then it usually did. _'Them chibis are gonna' be the death of us.'_

Ichigo merely chose to remain silent, aware of how true the statement was.

Hichigo looked up at Zangetsu in Ichigo's inner world and asked him in an uncharacteristically tired tone, "Well, are ya' gonna' 'splain to us why you look like ya' were wrung through tha' wringer?" Apparently he was really tired as he made no effort to correct his rather obvious accent.

Ichigo, although he appeared heavily concentrated on tying Ulquiorra to his leg, was listening attentively to the conversation as it involved him.

Zangetsu was completely silent, his face as blank as a white canvas board.

Hichigo narrowed his eyes and moved slightly closer to the Zanpakuto. "Zanny?"

Ichigo finished tying the last knots to his leg with a quick tug. Grimmjow was tied securely to his back, a small strip of clothe that he could spare from his tattered shihakusho acting as a makeshift pillow and barrier from the blood and wounds coating his back. Ulquiorra, as stated before, was tied securely and comfortably to his leg- a small, pale hand clutching the little material like a security blanket. The last was Toshiro who was cradled gently in Ichigo's arms as he had no more clothe to spare unless he wanted to run around naked. Which would be bad, putting it mildly.

Hichigo shifted a little closer to Zangetsu, waving a bleached hand in front of his face. "Zangetsu?"

Zangetsu suddenly whipped his head around to face Hichigo's causing Hichigo to yelp and fall back like a scolded puppy.

'_Zangetsu?'_ Ichigo asked, slight concern showing through his tone.

It was then that something happened. Something that will haunt and forevermore scar the fragile brain tissues of Ichigo and Hichigo. Something that will have Ichigo wanting to brain himself with a sharp, pointy object every time said "something" happened in the near future.

Zangetsu laughed.

No, it wasn't one of those quiet, husky laughs that you read in fanfiction about the old man. It was high-pitched, insane, and rich in sadistic humor.

Hichigo's golden eyes bugged out, his body freezing in the act of getting up. His hands reflexively jerked as if he wanted to bring them up to defend himself, and all the while Zangetsu continued to laugh like the world was ending and was deeply enjoying the people's screams of fear and pain.

Ichigo's reaction was more downplayed because of the chibis and because of his own shock.

'_What the hell's wrong with Zangetsu?'_ Ichigo asked his albino counterpart in a mental whisper.

Hichigo was too freaked out to respond as Zangetsu had jumped down from what had always been his "perch" and had grabbed him by the front of his white shihakusho.

Zangetsu brought Hichigo close to his face, a sneer spread across his mouth demonically. "I never did get why you two wear the same damn clothes. Change them." Zangetsu finished his sentence with a nasty sounding cough.

Hichigo was still frozen from shock, but since he was so close he could smell something foreign on the old man's breath. It was a sickening stench, but at the same time sweet. Hichigo narrowed his golden eyes, suspicion thickening into a small, hard ball in his stomach.

"You're doin' drugs again ain't ya Zangetsu?" Hichigo inquired, already knowing the answer as Zangetsu's evil-scary smirk widened.

'_Again?!'_ was Ichigo's whiny complaint from the outside world. _'Do you realize how long it's going to take to get him to stop hitting up that shit?! Last time took three months and even then he would always revert every four weeks. Damn it! I thought we were finally making some progress!'_

Hichigo snorted, but didn't bother to reply as he was smart enough to realize that he was dealing with a rather drugged out, pissed off, homicidal, crazy, hippie old-man. Who knew what the old coot would do?

Zangetsu snarled and yelled, "Did I fucking stutter dumbass? Change your damn clothes!"

Yelping as Zangetsu swung a hand at him, Hichigo dodged the attack by the skin of his teeth, and I mean that literally as Zangetsu's hand nearly smashed him right in the jaw.

Skittering back Hichigo yelled at the old man, "Okay, okay! Sheesh ya' drugged ou' ol' man!" Not even bothering to concentrate as he was pretty sure Zangetsu would smack him again just for the hell of it a black mist appeared around him and swirled like an exotic dancer. It wrapped around his white body and in seconds the mist faded away, revealing Hichigo decked out in a crimson tee-shirt and a pair of tight, black skinny jeans. On his feet were a pair of white sneakers that had pictures of skulls and blades on a black background.

Glancing irritably up at the older man Hichigo snorted and asked sarcastically, "Happy?"

Zangetsu sneered back at him as he retorted, "No. Now, shut the fuck up, sit the fuck down, and listen to the god damn story you were so keen to hear about before."

It was like he said the magic words as Ichigo and Hichigo nearly tripped in their effort to hear; Ichigo when he was walking and Hichigo because he's a klutz.

When they were both seated Zangetsu took out a pipe and lit it up, the object having been prepared with drugs earlier apparent. Hichigo and Ichigo shared a mental look and then rolled their eyes in exasperation. That was _so_ Zangetsu…

Clearing his throat and opening his mouth Zangetsu gestured towards Hichigo dramatically as he proclaimed, "And now… to BEGIN!"

Hichigo and Ichigo rolled their eyes once again as they (im)patiently listened…

~*Flashback~*

Pushing off with his feet on the crumbling building Zangetsu soared through the air, a scowl marring his already irritated face. His darkly colored hair whipped past him as he sailed down with relative ease, the graceful movements almost making him look like he was flying.

"I can't believe this," Zangetsu muttered, pushing off another crumbling building as he came back down rather harshly. "I can fuckin' sense those Soul Society bastards just a couple miles from where Ichigo is and I _know_ that his stupid ass Reiatsu can't be missed from that tiny distance…"

Zangetsu stopped as he was suddenly thrown into the air with the force of the exploding building underneath him. He righted himself in midair as he gazed around silently for his attacker, hiding in the smoke the enemy had caused.

"Show yourself!" A loud voice commanded, a threatening growl rumbling darkly like some sort of weird background haze.

Zangetsu felt his eye twitch as he closed his eyes and took as big a breath as he could with all the smoke surrounding him. Once his rather thunderous and… _violent_ urge had left him he silently let himself fall to the ground, hiding behind another crumbling building that looked like it would fall with just a gentle rush of out flowing air.

"Show yourself damn it!" The voice shouted again, the sharp echo of metal on wood reverberating throughout the waste land.

Zangetsu rolled his eyes, finally recognizing the voice for who it belonged to. From the dissipating black smog a flash of bright red lit up his vision and even with his yellow visor sunglasses Zangetsu hissed like a beast and attempted to rub the light out of his watering eyes.

The redhead, having heard Zangetsu's yelp of pain, turned and glared at Zangetsu. Pointing the tip of his long blade at Zangetsu the redhead called, "Show yourself!"

Zangetsu howled out, "You blinded me with your fucking _hair_ Renji! What the hell do you use on it? Blinding old men r' us!?"

Renji paused in the motion of sending Zabimaru at the rugged man and stared as he snarled, "How the hell do you know my name?"

Zangetsu merely snarled before replying, "I'm Zangetsu, Ichigo's fucking Zanpakuto you complete and total _retard_."

Renji's reddish brown orbs widened to full moons as he stuttered, "_Y-you're_ Zangetsu?!"

Zangetsu rolled his eyes before snapping back, "What? Zabimaru didn't tell you?" Rolling his eyes behind his visors he muttered, "Why am I not surprised? Those two are such bastards."

Pushing past the still stunned Renji he moved further into the camp, unhindered by the swarms of officers as Renji caught up and vouched for him. Why he didn't know, but Zangetsu assumed it was because of the suspicious, but intrigued look being aimed at him. Oh, well. Lying was an art form as well as bitch slapping which was exactly what he was going to do if the bastards so much as _breathed_ at him wrong.

Renji eventually took the lead, showing the way to his superiors he could only assume. As they walked they passed a lot of deceased soldiers, the shinigami obviously not having (or caring if Zangetsu _really_ wanted to be a bastard) the man power to put the bodies to a peaceful rest.

Zangetsu blinked.

Now that he thought about it, how is it that shinigami could actually die? Weren't they already dead? Well, that was an interesting topic for another time as they finally came to a stop in front of a beat up tent that looked like it had seen better years. It had large tears in it and what look like blood covered nearly every inch except a small corner off to the side that Zangetsu would barely have seen if he wasn't standing directly in front of it.

He blinked.

Renji stared.

He blinked again, a twitch developing in his eye.

Renji continued staring.

Zangetsu snapped.

Grabbing the young shinigami by the front of his robes he gave the redhead a vicious shake before screaming in his face, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU STARING AT?!"

Renji blinked, his eyes once again as wide a full moons, goggling the old man. The reason for this was because- _Zangetsu looked as if he were going to stab him in the balls. Repeatedly. Then maybe some more until he could no longer be classified as male and instead be a female and-_ Yeah, that's enough monologue from Renji.

The entrance of the tent flared open, three figures stumbling their way out of the tent, their bodies tensed in preparation for a fight. When they saw Renji in the arms of Zangetsu they assumed what anybody would've and for Zangetsu that was very bad.

Zangetsu sighed and sulked with unsuppressed self pity.

Haven't shinigami ever heard that assuming anything was basically making an ass of themselves.

* * *

Ichigo: I really hate this girl sometimes.

Hichigo: (Snorts and waves his bleached hand dismissively) Well, to bad fer us cuz' Ryu knocked the bitch for a loop.

Ryu(Snorts with me snoring in his lap) Not my fault.

Ichigo and Hichigo: Whatever…

Ryu: (Shakes his head in annoyance) Anyways, Kai wanted to wish you all a Happy Holidays, but since I knocked her out I'm going to have these two idiots do it for you.

Ichigo and Hichigo: We're not idiots!

(Turning back to the audience they're suddenly dressed up in a nice, silk, button down crimson top, simple back dress pants, and some fancy black dress shoes. They have black ties tied loosely around their necks and black bands on their arms. Right for Ichigo and left for Hichigo. Turning, they take a bow.)

Ichigo and Hichigo: Happy Holidays everybody and a happy new year as well!


	4. WHAT THE FUCK!

Kai: Yo everybody! Sorry for being gone so long, but I've been working on the story! And paying Ryu (guy from one of my stories), Ichigo, and Hichigo back for knocking me out. Wait till you see…(Evil snicker)

* * *

Baby Steps

Chapter 4: WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

~*STILL the Flashback~*

"Step away from Renji or die!" a black haired male shinigami snarled, his teeth clenched so tightly together you could hear them grinding from five feet away.

A blond haired male with his bangs over one eye stepped forward next as he replied in what sounded like a depressed voice, "Please put Renji down or we will have no choice, but to kill you."

Zangetsu snorted, a sneer overtaking his features. "Why should I feel afraid of you? You're all injured and I'm at full strength."

The female of the group--ah!-- Matsumoto Rangiku, the fuku-taicho of Toshiro's Tenth Division was the last to make her presence known surprisingly.

Her long ginger colored hair whipping behind her, Rangiku focused her blue eyes on Zangetsu. This surprised the zanpakuto because normally she was all smiles and full of laughter despite hard situations. It was probably because of her missing captain that she was so serious.

"Where is he?" she finally asked after a momentary pause, her gaze wavering slightly as she revealed her worry.

Zangetsu lifted a brow, his hands letting go of Renji so he could stuff them in his cloak pockets. "You mean Toshiro? That was actually part of the reason I came he-"

He was cut off as Rangiku jerked forward, her eyes practically gleaming as she took him by his black cloak. "Where is he?! You don't feel like a hollow at all, but you also have a trace of captain's reiatsu on you!"

Shuhei Hisagi blinked in confusion, lowering his zanpakuto slightly as he looked at the near rabid female. Backing cautiously away from his three comrades and the unknown entity he slipped into the tent behind him silently.

Of course this was noticed by all of them, but quite frankly Zangetsu didn't give a fuck, Rangiku was still trying to get information on her poor, poor taicho, and Kira was wallowing in his emoness again. Oh! And Renji was seriously considering going off to find some popcorn. This was entertaining.

"Where is he?!" Matsumoto screamed again, her eyes wild and shining with suppressed rage.

_Now, now Matsumoto,_ Rangiku thought to herself, _You have to be patient. Cutting off his balls and shoving them down his throat may seem like a good idea now but you must be __**patient**__! Taicho is always telling you to have patience. Patience…_And with the last thought Matsumoto calmed down from her near apoplectic rage.

Zangetsu blinked once behind his visor like sunglasses as he replied firmly, "You want to know where Toshiro is? Well, I want some help for Ichigo. He is injured and taking care of the brat as we speak, _which_ -need I remind you- he doesn't have to do."

Matsumoto narrowed her eyes dangerously before her shoulders slumped, exposing more of her legendary breasts. Zangetsu absentmindedly pulled up her shihakusho top to cover them back up as Kira looked closely at the darker haired male for signs of an attack.

It was then that the tent behind them opened once more, re-admitting Hisagi back into the perpetual mental battleground. His black hair was a little more wild then when he had went in and his dark grey eyes were stretched impossibly wide as he looked at Zangetsu in pure, unadulterated awe.

Renji moved from his former position beside the buxom ginger haired female and the grumpy old hippie to walk over to his friends side. Reaching forward he gripped the male's shoulder where his shihakusho's sleeves were supposed to be attached to the rest of his uniform.

Hisagi blinked once, the action drawn out and Zangetsu belatedly realized as he did so that he remembered all the current people in this little groups' names.

"Well…" Hisagi began awkwardly, removing himself gently from his friend and comrade's hold. "I went and informed Yamamoto-soutaicho about the situation here and how we should proceed." It was here that he stopped briefly to pin Zangetsu with another awe filled gaze before continuing. "He told me that his zanpakuto Ryujin Jakka told him that this guy in front of us is really Zangetsu."

Zangetsu suddenly felt like he was under a spotlight as four sets of awe filled and curious eyes locked onto his form. He was mildly irritated but at least this time he was controlling his famous temper. And everybody wondered where Ichigo's and Hichigo's famous tempers came from. It certainly had nothing to do with him always pushing his irritation off on his two wielders. None at all…

"Wow…" Renji trailed off, still set deep in the sharp clutches of awe. After all zanpakuto usually didn't let themselves materialize in the real world. Either they were forced to or their wielders asked them to, and even when they did that the zanpakuto still didn't let themselves be seen so this was truly awesome!

Rangiku was the first to recover, unsurprisingly. Stepping forward she grabbed the hippie looking old man by the hand as she said cautiously, "Would you come with me? I'll lead you to the captain-commander."

Zangetsu nodded his thanks as he allowed himself to be pulled after the shinigami woman.

The tent opening flapped wildly as Rangiku pushed past it, leading him into the gigantic tent and leading him past an obvious setup for quick first aid. There were two people here; the first being a silver haired and sliver eyed girl that he recognized as Unohana's fukutaicho Kotetsu Isane and the other man whom he recognized as the sickly, but kind thirteenth division captain of the Gotei Thirteen Ukitake Jushiro.

The white haired male looked surprised, but before he could say anything he was stopped by the huge, wracking coughs that had a small trickle of blood running from his mouth and down his chin.

Isane immediately went to work as she nodded brusquely but politely to the two people passing by. All Ukitake could manage was a small smile before he grimaced and went back to hacking up his proverbial -and maybe not so proverbial with that last hack. It had sounded like he had something large in his throat- lungs.

Rangiku and Zangetsu both winced in sympathy before the female shinigami dragged the brown haired hippie past her two other comrades and through one more opening that was being guarded by two shinigami he recognized as Kotetsu Kiyone and the other male that shared her position, Kotsubaki Sentaro. They were both in front of the flap leading to the next part of the tent with tears running comically down their cheeks. From where they were Rangiku and Zangetsu could both hear the loud wails coming from the two third seats. It sounded something along the lines of "Poor taicho! I will prove myself to him by crying the loudest in sympathy of his pain!" In other words, the stupid exclamations were ignored by the two as they bypassed the loud shinigami officers.

In the other room they were promptly stopped as 11 pairs of eyes focused on them.

Actually, it was more like Rangiku stopped, Zangetsu bumped into her, and the other three shinigami that had been following them (Renji, Hisagi, and Kira) bumped into them. Zangetsu was the only one quick enough to avoid the resulting dog pile.

"Get off!" was the resulting scream from Matsumoto. "You're squishing my boobs!"

After that it was a mad scramble for safety as the poor shinigami that had landed on her were all male and preferred to stay all male.

"Quiet!" Yamamoto boomed out in his deep voice, sending out a sharp, oppressive wave of reiatsu. The four shinigami on the ground immediately quieted although they still tried to untangle themselves so they could get off of the quietly fuming Matsumoto.

Zangetsu, ignoring the state of the three male shinigami, stooped down and grabbed Matsumoto by the back of her shihakusho. With one sharp and careful pull he had her free from underneath her three comrades and set back down on her feet.

Matsumoto turned startled blue eyes on him before beaming. "Thanks Zangetsu!"

Zangetsu merely nodded to her before turning his attention to all of the taichous and the few lieutenants that were present in the room. "I bet you're all wondering why I'm here? Well, that'd be a fucking good question. Seeing as I'm here I guess I'll let you know, but let me ask you one _important_ question…"

Taking a deep breath, Zangetsu's eye twitched right before he exploded.

"WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM! ICHIGO IS OUT THERE BADLY INJURED AND I _KNOW _YOU FUCKERS CAN SENSE HIM, WHAT WITH BEING FECKIN _TAICHOUS_ AND ALL! NOT TO MENTION THAT HE'S SAVES _ALL_ OF YOUR ASSES _DOZENS _OF TIMES! HELL! HE'S EVEN FAILING HIGH SCHOOL FOR YOU FUCKERS AND ALL YOU CAN DO IS STAND HERE ON YOUR FEET LIKE A BUNCH OF IDIOTIC, MISBEHAVING CHILDREN! HE'S EVEN TAKING CARE OF THAT BRAT OF A CAPTAIN TOSHIRO," he ignored the gasp from beside him at that, "WHO HAS TURNED INTO A FUCKING TODDLER! YES! THAT'S RIGHT! YOU DAMN WELL HEARD **THAT** HAVEN'T YOU!" he ignored the gasps from some of the other captains and lieutenants this time. "HELL! HE'S SO INJURED THAT HE CAN BARELY WALK IN A STRAIGHT LINE AND HAD TO SEND **ME** HERE INSTEAD! SO! LET. ME. ASK. YOU. THIS. _**WHY THE HELL HAVEN'T YOU GONE AND HELPED HIM?!?!?!?!?!?!?!**_

Breathing heavily from his rant, his face completely red in anger, he waited for the shinigamis' reply.

However, he would be waiting a while as most of the shinigami were in shock at his long winded rant and were still trying to get their second wind.

Unohana Retsu was the first to recover, her blue eyes slowly sliding back down into their usual calm expression. "I'm very sorry Zangetsu-san that we have been unable to help. We have been taking care of our wounded all day and while we _did _sense young Kurosaki-sans reiatsu we assumed that he was uninjured."

Zangetsu grumbled underneath his breath at the calm, truthful words before he glared at Yamamoto. Or to be specific- his zanpakuto.

"Jakka, I suggest you shut the fuck up and deal with it. I need to finish this conversation. I suggest roasting him. Make it crispy and then we'll talk."

The rest of the shinigami were confused. What in the world was the hippie saying to Yamamoto's zanpakuto?

Seeing the faces directed at him Zangetsu placed a glare back on his face. "Ryujin Jakka felt it was polite of him to tell me that an Arrancar was coming since I was so distracted. I told him he can let himself out and go roast it but apparently he's too lazy."

And that was when the ground pitched beneath their feet and there was a loud roaring before something came whistling downwards before something bright lit everything up with a painful glow.

* * *

Kai: (Tending to a roaring fire in my bedroom) Don't ask how this got in here and no one gets hurt.

Ichigo and Hichigo: (Gags in their mouths and tied up above the fire) Hempf auuf!(Help us!)

Kai: I'm thinking about making them medium rare and feeding them to some hollows. Too bad Ryu knows me so well because he fled a while ago, BUT! (Points to the two shinigami, er hollow) I will have my revenge on all so fear not!

Kitty(Best friend): Please review. She's having too much fun writing these parts. Honestly…


	5. Damn That Trigger Happy Explodey Moron!

Baby Steps

Chapter 5: Damn That Trigger Happy Explodey Moron!

~*You Know This Wouldn't Be So Bad If I Didn't Have To Keep Writing These Damn Parts! Flashback!~*

"Holy shit!" Zangetsu screamed, completely disoriented from the force of the ridiculously large explosion. Matsumoto and Hisagi were both safely under his arms, disoriented as well.

Renji was…

…Let's get back to that later.

Kira had managed to get himself to safety and the captains were all fine as well. Unfortunately, some of them weren't quick enough to completely escape the debris that had resulted from the explosion. Zangetsu was one of them.

Since the hippie zanpakuto had protected Hisagi and Matsumoto he wasn't able to dodge as easily as he should have. The side of his glasses were now cracked, his hair was singed, and his cloak was slightly tattered. All in all he wasn't having a good day. The good news was that the two shinigami under his arms were completely fine.

Putting down the two shinigami Zangetsu turned and glared from where he was carefully balanced on a crumbling building, a good half mile from the tent.

"I fucking hate hollows," he said aloud viciously, but had to retract the statement moments later as he thought of Hichigo. "Well, the ones that attack me at least."

Hisagi was the first one up out of the two shinigami so he did the kind thing and helped Matsumoto up from the destroyed and crumbling building.

"Did a hollow just drop a fucking _bomb_ on us?" was Matsumoto's slightly dazed mutter as she brushed dirt off her scarf and uniform absentmindedly.

"We've seen weirder things," Hisagi said, stepping up beside Zangetsu so he could see to the tent. Pink cherry blossoms, fire, purple gas, and blazing golden reiatsu were only a few of the things flying around down there. He shuddered and mentally thanked Zangetsu for saving him from such a horrible fate.

Then he blinked once, slowly. "Where's Kira and Renji?" He didn't think that Zangetsu had saved them as he had his hands full with Matsumoto and himself.

Zangetsu glanced at him before smirking smugly, his face slightly hidden behind shadows and giving him an evil look. "Kira is fine. He got himself out of the way and Renji…" He paused momentarily to laugh sadistically. "He didn't get out fast enough so I imagine that if he survived the blast," he pointed down where some _very_ pissed off captains were killing a _very_ sorry Arrancar. "He's down there in all that."

Matsumoto and Hisagi winced in sympathy, but didn't go down to help. They liked their afterlife a lot more then that thank-you-very-much.

The brown haired hippie heaved a sigh. "I'm going back to my wielder. Don't attack him when he gets here," he said sarcastically, turned, and bounded away, not even noticing some nasty looking gashes on his back. (Which he soon would when he took too big a leap on his way back to Ichigo and ended up pulling the wounds farther open.)

Matsumoto and Hisagi just blinked at each other then shrugged. Then they thought about returning to the makeshift base, but one look at all the chaos still going on below had them dropping that idea before it could even come to fruition.

Sitting on a mostly destroyed building with no alcohol (Matsumoto) and no work (Hisagi) the two shinigami watched the show with interest, wishing for some popcorn until the silence was broken by Matsumoto.

"… Got any cards?"

~* End Flashback (THANK YOU!!)~*

Hichigo and Ichigo just stared, completely dumbfounded.

"…Okay," Ichigo finally managed to get out, staring weirdly at a still very much drugged out Zangetsu. "Well that pretty much sucks for us. I thought that at least they'd be able to send out a medic or spare a subordinate or two. Damn." Ichigo almost bit his lip again in frustration, a rather bad habit he had picked up when all the shinigami shit had went to hell. "I guess that the only thing I can do is drag my nearly dead self to the camp and get healed. After that I'll scream myself hoarse at the jackasses and then go look for my friends."

Hichigo and even Zangetsu (through his drugged out haze) could only look stunned.

Irritated, Ichigo asked, "What?"

Hichigo continued to look stunned, his eyes nearly bugging out of his head. "Ya'- ya' actually said somethin' smart! And yer' not goin' ta' run head first inta' trouble! Oh ma fuckin' nonexistent heart! Tha' world is endin'! We're gonna' die!" He then proceeded to run around in wide circles, screaming his head off all the while.

Ichigo's eye twitched and his teeth ground together but he ignored his inner hollow admirably. But just barely.

"Well," he finally managed to get out amidst his hollows screaming, his body twitching with suppressed rage. "Even I'm not so stupid as to run off, sword swinging, when I'm half dead and lugging around three toddlers."

It was then that he was alerted to one of the toddlers stirring from their nap.

Staring at his hysterical hollow and the still gaping Zangetsu he muttered, "Well, see ya'." And with that he let himself go back to the outside world.

Zangetsu finally snapped out of his drugged and dazed gaping to smack Hichigo once across the face. "Shut up," he muttered, gripping his head in pain. "I have a fuckin' headache."

~*~*~*~*~*

"Come on Toshiro! You have to stop picking on Grimmjow otherwise he'll start crying again! As entertaining as it was it friggin' hurts with those high pitched voices of yours!" Ichigo yelled, annoyed with having to put up with three rambunctious toddlers.

It had been fine until Toshiro had discovered that picking on Grimmjow was fun and Ulquiorra had decided that helping him with mediating was to tedious and had fallen back asleep on his leg. Toshiro and Grimmjow had both gotten' down a while ago and were walking ahead of him while occasionally trying to trip each other. Except Toshiro who had become rather partial to biting the shit out of people (and shinigami and hollow and cloth and-).

Sighing, he adjusted the sword on his back and froze. When Toshiro and Grimmjow realized he had stopped they toddled back to him and looked up curiously at his horror stricken face.

"…No…" he whispered, his voice choked up with an unrecognizable emotion. It was as he yelled out that the emotion was recognized. And it was rage. "Damn it! NO! I forgot the swords and clothes back where I found you GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUYS!"

His rage filled screech echoed for miles.

~*~*~*~*~*

"I hate my life, I hate my life, I hate my life…" Ichigo chanted, clothes swung over his shoulder and swords attached to his back with Zangetsu. "Never again, damn it. Never again! First chance I get I'm dropping the brats off with Kurotsuchi. That'll show 'em for torturing me like this. MWA HA HA HA HA!!" He cackled, deranged.

The toddlers looked up at him with huge, teary eyes and the orange haired shinigami stopped immediately lest he bring on more of those evilly high pitched wails. Once was way more then enough thank you. He rather valued his ability to hear.

Heaving a sigh he focused absentmindedly on the landscape while keeping a sharp eye on the toddlers. He didn't want any of them running off or getting hurt. Then they'd be guaranteed to cry because for some reason whenever one started bawling the other two would start soon after. It was an exhausting cycle for poor Ichigo who was still injured very badly. Poor him.

'_Hey King, ah know it neva' occurred ta' ya' that outside yer ball ah angst an' shit that otha' people exist, but about ten feet in fron' of ya' ah can see yer shinigami bitch.' _Hichigo cackled.

"What?" the orange haired boy asked, momentarily confused. He had no idea when he had started to trust his hollow (as little -"Fractional," Hichigo put in helpfully. Thanks- as it was) but the only thing he could do at the moment was suck it up and contemplate it later. If there was a later. After all he had a psychopathic, murder loving, insane, sadistic, and violent hollow in his head that could snap at anytime and go for his throat. Yeah, life sucked sometimes.

Peering past the rubble and the kids blundering over each other he saw a flash of silver through the dark shadows and crumbling obstacles.

Thinking it was a sword he hissed to the kids, "Hide!" and once the now frightened toddlers were safely hiding behind a large chunk of metal that could've been an elevator he stalked forward carefully.

Hichigo scoffed in his head. _'Yer a moron King. What good can ya' do when yer half dead already?'_

Ichigo snapped back a, _'Shut up!'_ as he came to the place where he had saw the flash of silver. He couldn't see anything at all so he focused oh his hearing.

"No! Bad little, evil hollow like… thing! Why can't you be more like the brat?!" A female voice cried, completely exasperated and more then a little angry.

Ichigo frowned. That voice was female and it sounded strangely familiar.

Feeling that he didn't need his weapon, and not one to ignore his instincts, Ichigo climbed over the last of the rubble and just gaped. Completely floored didn't do the expression justice.

'_For the love of all that is fucking evil and freaky in this world,' _Hichigo muttered, sounding just as floored as him.

Like some auto disconnect from his brain to his mouth he said out loud, "That explains you perfectly."

Eyes that were focused on a bumbling toddler snapped up. The eyes were a gorgeous violet and seemed to be filled with unrestrained shock. "Ichigo?"

Ignoring his raging inner hollow the orange haired substitute soul reaper grinned. "Yo, Rukia."

~*~*~*~*~*

Kai: Sorry about the chapter being shorter than usual. I just finished it and decided my faithful reviewers had waited long enough. And because I was so busy and new at writing I forgot to send out some thanks to all my reviewers anyways. So…

Thanks!!!

Ryu: (Shakes head, thanking those of higher powers that I was no longer angry with him) I can't believe that you're just now thanking all of your reviewers.

Kai: Shut up! At least I finally did it instead of putting it off for another chapter! (Turns and blows a few kisses to reviewers) Once again, thank you! And if you actually read these things (which I somehow doubt unless you're really bored) can you send me some reviews of what you would like in the story when you review? I'm not saying I'll do it, but some fresh ideas would be appreciated.

Ichigo and Hichigo: (Still traumatized from last chapter) Please send some reviews or she'll kill us! (Screams when I throw a fireball at them and ducks out).

Ryu: (Shakes head) Thanks for reading.


	6. Insanity Inducing Explanations

Baby Steps

Chapter 6: Insanity Inducing Explanations

"Rukia!" Ichigo exclaimed, clambering over the last of the debris. His friend was sitting on the ground, something small and silver bouncing on her lap. He stopped and stared. "Is that _Gin_?"

Rukia glared furiously at him, her eyes alight with annoyed anger. "That's what _I_ said! I also have the lazy, brown haired brat with me!"

Ichigo look over to her right curiously, seeing a brown haired lump basically knocked out in an oversized shihakusho top. "_Fuck_. Is that _Stark_?"

Rukia snorted. "Yeah. You can just _imagine_ the day I've been having."

Ichigo was now the one to snort. "That's the thing. I don't have to _imagine_. I can _re-enact._" Turning, he yelled out, "Toshiro! Ulquiorra! Grimmjow! Get your asses out here!"

From behind the debris he had climbed over came three noises that reminded Rukia of small, baby animals. Or Stark when he just wakes up. Really, at this point either thing was possible.

Something blue suddenly poked over the side and Rukia just stared at the site presented to her. "Holy shit. Is that Grimmjow?" Then stared some more when a head of white and black popped over the pile next. "Wait. Let me rephrase that last statement. Holy _fucking_ shit, is that Grimmjow, Ulquiorra, and _Toshiro_?"

"Ye-p," Ichigo drawled out, resisting the urge to cringe when all three children got to him and clung to his legs. Tightly. Damn those kids had a killer grip. "Toshiro found me when I was knocked out and woke me up. Then he led me to the Espada brats. Their swords and clothes were there with them." He paused and then added, "I forgot. When my eyes met all three of their eyes our reiatsu locked. I don't know how to explain. It just 'kinda," he paused again then said, "_fused_ or something. It was really weird, but I don't feel any different." He flashed her a shit eating smirk for emphasis. "I also decided to ignore that minor detail for the sake of my currently failing sanity."

Rukia slid Gin from her lap, stood, smacked his arm, and nearly laughed as the three brats glared at her. So they were the jealous type. Ha! " Shut up. Everyone already knew you were insane. Anyways, they didn't find me and I didn't find them. Truthfully, all I did was wake up at the same time as them. When our eyes locked our reiatsus fused as well. They've followed me ever since despite my attempts to leave them somewhere safe until I could get someone to go get them."

Ichigo nodded. "I know the feeling." He glanced down at the clinging brats. "_Definitely _know the feeling."

Gin, seeing the three new toddlers clinging to an orange haired… _thing_ had him scrambling back over to Rukia and wrapping his small arms around her legs.

Glaring, he huffed, "My Ruki!" He gripped the legs in his grasp tighter before sticking his tongue out at the orange freak and the three kids like him with the orange freak. Ruki was _his_.

…And maybe Starks.

Ichigo looked at the silver haired hellion that was clinging to Rukia's legs and snorted, a snicker slipping from between his thin lips.

Rukia smacked him again, not one to take some without giving it right on back. "Shut up. Your brats are doing it to you too."

Ichigo's smile dropped. "Don't remind me."

It was then that the smallest of Ichigo's group, Toshiro, stepped forward, a small and cute glare on his baby-like face as he gripped Ichigo's torn pants in a chubby little grip. "Ichi ours! No wan yer Ruki!"

Grimmjow glared as well, but for some reason this one seemed more menacing. "Yeah! Keep yer dumb Ruki! Ichi ours!"

Ulquiorra didn't say anything, but he clung tighter to Ichigo with a tiny frown on his face.

'_Well ain't that interesting,' _Hichigo said sarcastically inside his head. _'It's ah regular 'ol clinging party. Che! Yer such a pansy Kin'.'_

Ichigo gave his albino hollow a mental one-fingered salute. Then he sicced Zangetsu on him.

A tiny yawn came from down on the ground next to Gin and Rukia. They turned and saw that Stark was waking up from his nap.

Blinking sleep from his eyes, Stark looked at all the people staring at him blankly. Then he stared back. Once he realized that it was just Gin and Ruki, plus some other not important people he quickly fell back asleep.

Ichigo and Rukia just looked at the once again sleeping Starrk with varying expressions. Ichigo looked amused yet jealous, probably because Rukia seem to mostly luck out in the evil toddler department. Sure she got Gin, but it was a good enough trade when she got a lazy brat thrown in to take care of instead of it being a hyper brat. Damn, that wasn't fair.

Rukia's expression was more of relief and amusement. She was thinking along the same lines as Ichigo.

"… I think it's time we get going," Rukia finally managed to say, bending down and grabbing Starrk from the ground. Her own stuff, plus Gin and Starrk's was already tied to her sides and back.

"Yeah," Ichigo replied back, still seriously considering asking for a toddler trade. He'd trade her Starrk for Grimmjow. It was a fair trade. Honest.

Ichigo ended up carrying Toshiro and Ulquiorra while Grimmjow was carried on his back, tied to it by the old strip of cloth. It wasn't easy getting all five toddlers to settle down for another nap, especially since they had already had two already, but somehow both Soul Reapers managed it.

They ended up walking for a half an hour and by that time Ichigo was cranky and ready for a nap and Rukia was tired from all the extra weight she had to carry. It was a big deal for her because she was so small.

'_Ichigo you're going to run into some of your friends again,'_ Zangetsu stated calmly. The only reason that was so was because he was still on his drug high. Not really a surprise anymore considering who he has to put up with.

Blinking Ichigo called to Rukia softly so as not to wake the sleeping kids. "Rukia, we got some more friends apparently coming up. Be ready."

Rukia's head bobbed once acknowledgment as she pulled Stark up higher on her hip.

Coming closer they could see two bright white clothed figures against the mostly gray background. Walking closer they could even see long, burnt orange hair swaying slightly in the wind.

Recognizing the figure, Ichigo grinned slightly. "Yo! ORIHIME!"

As they moved closer they could see Orihime's head snap up and even from where they were both Soul Reapers could see the human girl's white teeth lighting the air around her with her grin. "Ichigo! Rukia!" She stood and probably would've ran to them if the figure they now recognized as Uryu hadn't gently grabbed her arm and said something to her. It couldn't have been anything bad as Orihime never lost her smile, but instead of running towards them like she was going to before she beamed at them and waited somewhat patiently.

Slow movement against his chest had Ichigo glancing down at a yawning Toshiro who was blinking drowsily, rubbing his fist against his left eye. He looked adorable and for a minute he had the urge to give a very un-manly squee. So he thrust that feeling on Hichigo and had the satisfaction of hearing the albino hollow squee like a little girl. That just made his day.

Finally reaching the human girl and the Quincy Ichigo promptly dropped, tired and achy from all the abuse he had put his body through today. Of course he made sure to drop gently so Grimmjow and Ulquiorra both stayed deeply asleep. Toshiro just ended up sliding down into his lap and cuddling close to his stomach, blue emeralds glinting sleepily.

"Are you alright Ichigo?" Orihime asked concernedly, obviously assessing his injuries as she stepped closer and slightly lost her smile. "Do you want me to heal you?" She was already tucking her hair behind her ear in preparation to use her Shun Shun Rikka.

"It would be most appreciated." Catching her and Uryu's curious glance at the kids he and Rukia were toting around, not to mention Uryu's suspicious glare, he added, "We'll explain the brats afterwards."

Orihime nodded. "Shuno. Ayame. Soten Kisshun I Reject!"

Two parts of her hair pins came off, shooting towards Ichigo. At the last minute the shield-like barrier expanded until it covered Ichigo and the three kids that were with him completely. The Substitute Soul Reaper felt the effects of Orihime's "event rejection" ability immediately.

"Fuck yes," Ichigo moaned as he practically melted, the injuries that had been plaguing him slowly disappearing like they'd never been. He practically melted into a warm puddle of goo at the sensation.

Orihime's blinding smile made a reappearance at her friends obvious appreciation of her ability. "I'm glad that you're feeling a bit better."

"Will you now explain about the children?" Uryu demanded in a questioning tone, his eyes still alight with suspicion.

Rukia decided to answer the Quincy as Ichigo was in to much ecstasy to form any coherent explanation besides letting out appreciative curses and moans. "They are exactly what they look like."

She continued on with the explanation, Ichigo recovering enough of his already diminished wits to add something she'd forgotten or a snarky comment. By the time they'd finished the explanation Orihime had finished healing Ichigo who had nearly fallen asleep from the comforting warmth of Orihime's Soten Kisshun.

"Wow," was all Uryu could manage to say, impressed despite himself. "Sounds like you guys had a hell of a day."

Ichigo and Rukia exchanged glances then looked down at the toddlers.

"You have _no_ idea."

* * *

Kai: Sorry about the long wait everybody. I've had it rough the last couple of months since my dog, Mickey, died of old age. I kinda' lost the will to write after that. Hopefully I can get back into the swing of things soon.

Ryu: She's getting over it. Torturing her favorite characters of Bleach always cheers her up.

Ichigo and Rukia: Hey!

Kai: (Shrugs) Can't deny the truth man.

Toshiro: Pwease review!


	7. Disgusting Situations

Kai: Hi all! (Waves cheerfully) Glad to see that so many people have stuck with me through my little emo fit.

Ichigo: Damn you all! Do you _like_ to see us all get tortured?

Fans: HELL YEAH!

Kai: (Smiles sweetly) Does that answer your question Ichi?

Ichigo: I hate you all.

Zangetsu: (Snorts) Bleach does not belong to Kai in any way, shape, or form thank existence, otherwise she probably would have had us all doing something equally stupid in the real show.

Kai: It can't get as bad as the real show damn it! They _killed_ Ulquiorra!

Kitty(BFF): The bitches.

* * *

Baby Steps

Chapter 7: Disgusting Situations

"Now that I think about it how did we even get like this?" Orihime questioned in her normal, ditzy tone. She put a finger on her plump bottom lip and tilted her head slightly. "I don't really remember anything except a really big explosion."

Rukia nodded. "I don't remember anything except an explosion as well." She turned her head slightly towards Uryu not even bothering to ask Ichigo. He still hadn't come out of his post-healing phase. "Do you remember what happened Uryu?"

The dark haired boy pushed his glasses back up his nose, an action that had become automatic the short few months they'd known him. "I remember. Ichigo defeated Aizen in combat, and shortly after his defeat the Hogyoku had a…fit. It exploded and the shards scattered everywhere."

Ichigo looked up from where he was still slumped on the ground from Orihime healing him. His brats were all beside him, playing the freakiest version of peek-a-boo _he'd_ ever seen. "What is this anyways? InuYasha?"

Uryu shot him a dark glare, eyes narrowed. "I should think not because in InuYasha the shards never turned people into small children." He then muttered under his breath, "And Kai wouldn't want to cop a plot as unoriginal as that."

Ichigo felt a chill go up his spine. So what if they were breaking the fourth wall. That demon authoress girl was a friggin' psychopath that liked torturing him. All you had to do to believe that was go on her profile and look up the full summary of this story. Seriously, she even tortured him before and after the story!

Shaking his head and deciding to get back to the story before Kai murdered him he said, "What do you mean? Are you seriously saying that the stupid InuYasha wannabe jewel thing turned all of these guys into kids?"

"Why would I lie?" the glasses wearing boy said dryly. Then he smirked. "I also distinctly saw Yoruichi get hit with one of those shards."

"No," was the terrified half whisper from the orange haired teenager. "That's just being evil damn it."

Uryu shrugged. "Whoever said that the authoress wasn't evil. Besides it makes great entertainment."

"You're evil, sadistic, and weird."

Rukia suddenly clapped her hands together, violet eyes narrowed. "That's enough you two. You're upsetting the kids and believe me when I say that _nobody_ wants to make these kids cry."

There was an agreeable silence that was unbroken until-

"Potty."

Ichigo looked down at Grimmjow who was pouting up at him with big blue eyes. "What did you say?" He asked, hoping the answer would be different.

"Potty Ichi," was the reply as the tan toddler shifted foot to foot. "I gos ta' go potty."

Disgust didn't even begin to cover his grossed out expression. "Oh, that is disgusting. Go tell Rukia or something."

"No," was the petulant reply. "Ichi take us potty _now_."

Groaning Ichigo's shoulders slumped. He felt the need just then to go jump off a bridge. If not that then one of the destroyed buildings would do nicely.

'_Yer life sucks so much Kin',' _was Hichigo's disgusted retort. _'And m' so glad 'em not you right now.'_

'_Ditto,'_ was Zangetsu's oh so eloquent answer.

'_Thanks guys. No, really. You've officially made my day.'_

His attention came back when he heard Rukia yell out, "Ichigo!" in a not-so-surprising way.

There wasn't really any need to answer her as he saw all his brats crowded around his legs with the most strained expressions on their faces that he had ever seen.

"Paee," Toshiro pleaded with large eyes. "Ichi. Paee." He toddled over and clung to his, now restored, hakama clad leg.

"…I hate you all," he muttered, glaring death and daggers at the three brats, "I hope you all know that. And there is no way in hell that I'm going to help them take a piss. _No way._"

Rukia turned around and, without warning, punched the orange haired teenager in the gut.

Wheezing he fell to the ground yelling out, "Damn it Rukia! I need to breathe! Fuck!" He curled into a ball slightly to protect his poor stomach. What was it, a fucking target?

"Oh, shut up and suck it up! I'm a girl! I'm more delicate then you but you don't see me or Hime bitching as much as you do! Jeez, you would think that as a male you would have some damn pride!" She glared for a moment before turning her head away sharply with a snort.

Snorting himself Ichigo got up off the ground, brushing any stray debris off that he could see. "Oh come off it Rukia. Weren't you always the one that was complaining that we treated you too much like a defenseless little girl? Well, now here's your chance to prove us wrong. If you can do something even _I'm _afraid to do then that just proves that you're better then me."

Rukia actually looked like she was thinking about it before violently shaking her head with a snarl. "You're not tricking me damn it! Do it your fucking self!"

"No!"

They continued on in that vain for well over five minutes while Orihime, Uryu, and the children all stared, enthralled by the show. As cliché as it sounded, it was like trying to look away from a horrible accident. Too damn interesting to turn away but to damn horrible to keep looking. Therefore you just stayed in an never ending loop. Damn loops.

"Do you need help?"

Everyone spun around only to have to look up upon seeing a chest where a head would have usually sat.

A grin managed to sneak its way across Ichigo's face before he could suppress it. "Chad ma man! Am I ever glad to see you!"

"Hn."

The giant Mexican walked over calmly but as he neared them instead of walking towards the group of his friends he walked over to the mini-army of toddlers.

"Which ones have to go to the bathroom?" he asked, deep voice soothing and calming.

All of the toddlers, Rukia's included, raised their hands with strained expressions on.

Chad merely nodded, motioned for the children to come, and, once the were all secure and where they wanted to be, walked over to the nearest, mostly whole building.

* * *

"Seriously, I'm really glad you found us Chad because I had no idea how to handle that situation, and I had _no_ desire to actually handle thanks."

Chad merely grunted at his best friend as he protectively watched the children that were scuttling around playing some deformed game of zombies, tag, and hide-and-go-seek.

With the arrival of Chad also came the arrival of relief. It seemed that the gentle giant was the only one of the five that had prior experience with children. Ichigo did too but as he was older and had lost his mother he had buried that aspect of his life down as far as it would go.

"Where were you anyways?" Orihime asked cheerfully. "I had no idea you were there until you came over and," her face twisted up into a comical version of Chad's own as she imitated him and grunted, "Hn."

Chad pointed over to where they could see a small fire going underneath a slab of cement similar to the one that Ichigo had first "met" Toshiro at.

"Thank anything for Chad," Rukia grumbled, still somewhat peeved that Ichigo had nearly managed to trick her to do his dirty work for him. "I don't think we would have made it without him around."

Chad would have answered if Toshiro hadn't toddled over and tugged on Ichigo's hakama once again.

"Hungy Ichi. Hungy."

Ichigo just looked down at the small child.

"…Damn it."

* * *

Kai: So how did everybody like it? Good enough for my unfortunate hiatus?

Ichigo: No.

Kai: Oh, that is it! Get ready for some real torture next chapter!

Ichigo: Fuck! Help me! (Runs away).

Kai: Get back here coward! (Chases him).

Kitty: Please review and thanks everybody for reading.


	8. Sanity Sucking Demons

Baby Steps

Chapter 8: Sanity Sucking Demons

"Hungry! What the hell do you _mean_ hungry? Do we look like we have food ya' evil little brats?"

Toshiro, Ulquiorra, and Grimmjow all shrank back from their shouting teenage guardian, scared. Seeing their expressions calmed Ichigo down some but he was still peeved.

"Don't yell at them moron. I'm hungry too," Rukia said as she gathered her two hellions in her arms. Unlike Ichigo's three brats they behaved admirably. Ichigo admitted to himself that he was extremely jealous.

Grunting, he heaved a great sigh. This was all becoming a bit too much, even for someone like him.

From the corner of his vision Ichigo saw Chad raise his two massive shoulders in a shrug. "I have to agree with Rukia."

When the rest of their little rag-tag group nodded Ichigo was forced to concede.

It wasn't like he was disagreeing with them-on the contrary he was hungry too. He just didn't know where they would _get_ food in this destroyed place. Despite how real this place looked it was still a _fake_ Karakura town. And he didn't see the Soul Society actually putting food in here just for it to get destroyed. Despite how stupid their decisions had been lately he didn't think they'd be that stupid.

"Hey guys! Look over here!" he heard Uryu call from where he had wandered into a house that hadn't been damaged too badly. "There's some food in here!"

Ichigo felt the strong impulse to beat his head against the concrete. Apparently the Soul Society _could_ be that stupid.

'_Yeah, Kin'. Ya' shouldin' be complainin' though. At least ya' get some food.'_

He shook his head at his inner hollow's words. He was right though.

"Ichi," Toshiro called, expression weary. "Hungy. Pease?"

Ulquiorra stepped up to him and clung to his leg, his eyes pleading. "Please Ichigo?"

That stopped the orange haired boy in his tracks. He had no idea that Ulquiorra could speak that clearly. He had assumed that he just talked like Grimmjow and Toshiro-in broken, childish sentences. Ulquiorra must've been a very advanced kid when he was alive.

Resting a hand on soft black hair he said softly to the children, "Sure. Lets go get something to eat."

"Thanks Ichi," Grimmjow said as he beamed and took off towards the slowly walking Rukia.

Toshiro and Ulquiorra however stayed with him, the former coming towards him and lifting his arms, obviously wanting to get picked up.

Leaning down he scooped the tiny body into his arms, Toshiro pressing his face into his neck and arms clutching him possessively.

Grabbing Ulquiorra's chilled hand, he followed after his friends and into the house, nearly bumping into Orihime as she suddenly appeared in front of him with Grimmjow in her arms.

"Hi, Ichigo!" she chirped happily as she practically crushed the blue haired child into her chest. "We found some things to cook and were just debating on who was going to do it. I volunteered but everyone said that they didn't want me to stress myself because of the whole kidnapping incident, which is weird because I think cooking would cheer me up, and I'm a good cook! Don't you think so?"

Quickly grabbing a silently suffocating Grimmjow before he really could die _again_, he told her reluctantly, "I'll cook. Yuzu taught me how. Why don't you go ask what the guys want with what we have."

Orihime nodded and smiled sunnily, thankfully forgetting her question about being a good cook. "Okay! I can't wait!"

She scurried off and the orange haired boy followed slowly, his three Brats now back with him.

"Most guys would be happy to be squished in Orihime's boobs but all we do is worry about being suffocated. I bet you somewhere somebody is laughing at us," Ichigo told the blue haired child matter-of-factly.

A sneer appeared on the tanned face. "I dun wanna' be killed. Mah face hurts."

Ichigo snorted. "I can imagine. At least when Orihime does it she doesn't really mean anything by it but _Matsumoto_," he stopped and hissed out her name just as Toshiro let loose a savage snarl, "does it on purpose and finds it _funny_. I don't see what's so funny when you suffocate somebody in those death mountains. Its more like a slow torture."

Both Toshiro and Grimmjow nodded, their hair tickling his neck. What was most surprising however was when Ulquiorra nodded along with them, face blank as usual.

He just stared. "Who in the world shoved your face in their boobs? Did they have a death wish?"

A shrug. "Nell liked to do it but then again Orihime has done it more then once when she tried to thank me for protecting her and Harribel finds it hilarious to torture me because I never reacted beyond 'Let me go' or 'Harribel I would like it if you would let go.' She's a bit of a sadist."

"…Uh, wow. I didn't realize people liked to do that to you."

"It wasn't just the girls. Grimmjow liked to try and fight me because he believed he was stronger then me and plus it was good practice. Gin liked to prank me. Aizen liked to mess with my head by making me do miscellaneous tasks, etcetera. Honestly, I think they were just trying to get a reaction out of me because they believed me to really be emotionless, which is a rather stupid assumption because we all regained our emotions when we were turned into Arrancar and gained a shinigami half."

Ichigo blinked, tilting his head. "You're really starting to talk a lot ya' know that? And how much do you guys remember anyways?"

Ulquiorra was saved from answering as they drew into the kitchen, Rukia calling over to him to make them some pizza.

Sighing, he set Grimmjow down and tried to hand off Toshiro to Ulquiorra as the poor kid looked like he was falling asleep, but instead of going peacefully like he thought would happen he ended up clinging to his neck and whining every time he tried to remove him.

Stifling another sigh before it could be released he gently patted the kids back and pried him from his neck, sitting him on the counter where he would soon be cooking. It was lucky for him that Toshiro seemed to like his new position and cooed at him happily.

"Well," Ichigo sighed, resigned. "Lets get to work."

* * *

"Oh my god Ichigo! I thought you were kidding before when you said you could cook!" Rukia squealed before releasing an ecstasy filled moan.

Blushing fiercely he snarled, "Thanks a lot Rukia. I appreciate it."

"Good Ichi!" Grimmjow squealed as he shoved another mouthful of pizza in his mouth, smearing the red sauce all over his cheeks, lips, nose, and hands.

Ichigo shot a small smirk at the tan toddler but grimaced internally at the fact that he was going to have to clean the three kids up.

'_That's not true Kin'.' _Hichigo smirked at him smugly in a vague I-know-something-you-don't-know way. _'Do the all not-it! Bit.'_

The orange haired boy stopped, an evil smirk coming across his face. _'I take back whatever I said about you. You are da' man.'_

Hichigo puffed his chest out, completely smug. _'And don't you forget it.'_

Turning his head to look at his friend he began casually. "Hey, Rukia?"

"Yeah?" she questioned as she took another bite of pizza, another erotic moan forcing its way past her lips.

"Not it."

She looked up, confused. "Not it?"

"Not it. You get clean up duty."

Dropping her pizza back on her plate she shot him a horrified look. "You can't be serious?"

"Oh, but I am. You get to clean up after the brats since I made dinner. Have fun."

With that the substitute soul reaper stood up with his dishes and walked briskly towards the kitchen before the black haired girl could regain the use of her mouth and make an argument that would stick him with cleanup duty. He'd already had to clean up the kitchen to be able to make dinner, had to make dinner with a bunch of toddlers fucking around, and then had to serve it to a bunch of ungrateful shit heads. Hell to the no was he going to be cleaning the little shits up.

Rukia looked after Ichigo, still horrified. He couldn't just leave her with them! Who'd help her with trying to see if the water looked or the actual clean up if the water did work?

'_The rest of the rescue arc,'_ Sode no Shirayuki said to her before going back to the sanctuary that was her mind.

Rukia smirked and turned to Orihime, Chad, and Uryu.

_You'd better prepare yourselves guys because there's no way you're getting away from me. I have you in my clutches._

Back in the kitchen Ichigo gave a shiver and unintentionally shuddered.

It looked like his friends were going to find out why he called Rukia the evil little midget.

* * *

Kai: I can't believe that its been a full year since I started Baby Steps and I can't believe how many reviews that everyone was so generous to give. I even made it over my goal of getting at least 50 reviews! I just want to say thanks and have a safe and Happy Halloween!

Ryu: Thanks for sticking to the story.


	9. Sounds Like Pipes Breaking

Baby Steps

Chapter 9: Sounds Like Pipes Breaking…

On the off chance of sounding totally cliché and deciding he didn't really care Ichigo thought, _It's too quiet in here._

'_Way too quiet,'_ Zangetsu agreed, watching from within Ichigo's mind as his wielder aimed paranoid glances over his shoulder. _'It's only been an hour. They should not have had time to do anything __**too**__ damaging,'_ was his not-so-comforting statement.

'_Well gee,'_ Ichigo thought sarcastically, _'that sounds __**so**__ promising. Next time this happens I'm leaving __**you**__ in control.'_ He then started to aim another paranoid glance over his shoulder before catching himself and forcing himself to relax. _'This is driving me crazy. It should __**not**__ be that quiet. Maybe there's something wrong.'_

He heard Hichigo give a loud snort. _'Yeah. There is somethin' __**totally**__ wrong Kin'. Thas' why we didn hear no screamin' an no souns of battle.'_

'_Oh, shut up. It was just an observation.'_

Zangetsu gave an annoyed sigh and subconsciously the two look-alikes flinched. They did not want Zangetsu to go schizoid on them again. Helping Rukia with the kids seemed better then that.

Standing straight from where he was leaning on the counter Ichigo walked slowly towards the bathroom, paranoia coming back in full force.

It was not supposed to be this quiet. He should have been hearing screams of frustration or children bawling their eyes out. Hell, he should've been hearing water splashing or maybe the sounds of metal being abused if the water wasn't working. Maybe he should check on them…

**CLANG!**

"Stupid mother fucking son of a **bitch**! What is _with_ these pipes?"

Subconsciously relaxing at the sounds of chaos Ichigo turned around and headed straight back towards the kitchen. It sounded like things were going to hell in a hand basket. Which meant everything was fine. If he had heard sounds of enjoyment or any sort of happy sounds coming from the direction his group had taken off in then he would know that he was either under Aizen's complete hypnosis or dreaming. The universe hated him and he was slowly coming to accept it.

**With Rukia…**

"Come on!" Rukia shouted as she smashed her fist through another pipe. "I can hear water in you so come out you wet bastard!"

There was the sound of another pipe breaking as she decided to lose what little patience she had left and kicked through an already mostly demolished wall. It didn't do anything but stir up dust and send the small group into coughing fits, but it sure made **her** feel better.

"Rukia," Orihime managed to choke out as she coughed on the gray dust floating through the air. In her arms was a pouting Grimmjow that was nearly slipping out of her arms from her awkward grip.

Turning from where she had practically demolished the inner workings of the bathroom wall Rukia barked out a strained, "What?"

"I was just wondering if we shouldn't have tried to turn the knobs first," Orihime said as she hefted Grimmjow up some so he was situated right under her boobs which further managed to tick off the blue haired toddler.

There was a very abrupt and very long silence.

"…I knew that…"

From outside the room Uryu rolled his eyes. Rukia's temper was going to get her in serious trouble one day. _Hopefully on that day she'll be far away from Karakura and all of us,_ he thought ruefully as Ulquiorra's dead weight seemed to weigh heavier on his shoulders. _Far, far away._

Shuffling over to the tub in embarrassed silence the black haired girl reached out and turned the knob a little in the left direction. The faucet immediately spurted out freezing cold water that actually felt quite relaxing to her. Being the wielder of an ice-type zanpakuto rocked.

Turning the knob further to the left she waited for it to warm up, absently letting her hand stay under the continuous flow.

After about five minutes of freezing cold water running over her hand her lips slowly turned down in a scowl, eyebrows furrowing.

"Well that won't work," she snapped, standing up.

Uryu snorted. "It would have if you hadn't destroyed the pipes that were supposed to warm the water up."

"…Shut up…"

Snorting once again Uryu turned to look at Chad. "Will you watch him for me?" At the soft nod of the gentle giant's head he set Ulquiorra down and walked over to the water, expression a cross between a frown and a sneer.

Examining the pipes and the ice cold water for a few seconds he put a hand on his chin, thoughtful. A few more minutes passed in silence until he said, "Chad I need your help."

There was the sounds of clothes rustling and the whine of kids protesting but then he was kneeling beside Uryu so he didn't really care.

Pointing to the pipes that Rukia had broken he said, "Since little miss temper tantrum broke the pipes that are used to heat up the water I'm going to have you try and heat it up. If my idea doesn't work then I'll make Rukia give it a try."

Chad nodded, curly brown hair covering his eyes.

"Okay." Uryu backed off, pushing his glasses higher up on his nose. "Then transform your arm and make an energy blast. The hard thing though is that you can't release it. Can you do it?"

Chad once again nodded, his arm already transformed into its more demonic state. Pure white energy that was focused into a tiny ball was at the end of his fist not being released. He grunted and dipped that tiny ball into the water, watching to see if anything was going to happen.

A few minutes later Ulquiorra, Toshiro, and Grimmjow were happily splashing in the warm water while Stark sat off to the side and aimed sleepy glares at any excess water that got to close to him.

Rukia and Orihime smiled, relieved while Uryu gave Chad an encouraging nod who gave a small smile back.

All was good and well. They were all full, the kids were getting clean, Ichigo was getting his break and…

Chad blinked then tilted his head slightly. His next words made the other two teenagers and shinigami freeze.

"Where's Gin?"

* * *

Kai: Yo peeps. Wassup'? Everybody have a good Thanksgiving or other holiday? I'm happy to finally have this chapter done. My main fandom hasn't really been Bleach lately so its been hard to write and get across what I want. BUT! I am not giving up this fic until it is done. So no worries there. Please review and thanks for reading!

Ryu: (Whispers) Her new fandom has been Transformers by the way. Specifically Jazz and Prowl. Mostly Prowl.


	10. Deranged Child's Game

Baby Steps

Chapter 10: Deranged Child's Game

* * *

Needless to say there was mass panic at the realization of the lost child. There were many different reasons resulting in the panic. Rukia: fury. Orihime: worry. Chad: worry as well. Uryu: dread.

Whatever the reason happened to be it didn't change the fact that Gin was gone and no amount of panicking was going to bring him back.

"What are we going to do?" Rukia cried, arms flailing. "I didn't even realize he was gone until Chad said something! We don't even know how long he's been missing or where he went or _why_ he went-"

"Maybe," Uryu interrupted, voice soft, "he went back to Aizen."

The three members of the group stared at Uryu as if he had randomly shouted out he was attracted to Kurotsuchi. It was a cross between a "what the fucking hell?" look and a "Oh, fuck I-think-I'm-gonna'-be-sick" look.

"Aizen's dead. We saw it," Chad rumbled softly. "We saw him hit the ground. Saw his blood splatter. Ichigo was even there to confirm it. _Urahara_ and _Unohana_ both backed it up. Aizen is _dead_." There was no room for argument in the gentle giant's voice.

Uryu sighed but nodded his head, resigned. It still sounded like a good theory to him. After all Aizen was _supposedly_ skewered to death before they even knew about him and his cliché villains plot. Who's to say he hadn't pulled another gamer cheat out of his ass?

"Okay. Enough chit-chat," Orihime said with a determined expression chiseled in steel on her face. "Poor Gin is out there all alone and defenseless-"

"I don't know about the 'defenseless' part. He nearly killed my eardrums with that shrieking of his," Rukia interrupted as she muttered underneath her breath.

"Defenseless," the well endowed female repeated, as if that put more urgency on the problem at hand, "and he needs our help. Let's go find him before he gets hurt!"

Orihime turned and marched determinedly out of the bathroom, nearly tripping over her feet as she went.

"…I still say that hellion can take care of himself…"

* * *

"Gin! Where are you?" Rukia yelled as she tripped down a small hill made up of a smashed car and billions of rocks.

The foursome had been looking for the small silver haired demon fox for what seemed like forever. They had started looking for Gin as soon as they had handed bathing-sitting duties over to Ichigo (who had screamed so loud in mental anguish that they had wasted precious moments trying to figure out what was wrong).

It had been several hours since then and they had actually managed to see the little bugger several times in the allotted time. The problem was is that every time Gin would catch sight of them he'd squeal and hide himself all over again. Like some sort of deranged mix of tag and hide-and-go-seek.

"Rukia!" she heard Ichigo call from where he was staggering over to her, Stark looking positively _peeved_ from his position on the teenager's shoulders.

"What did you do to him!" she yelled.

He stumbled over nothing, obviously surprised at her question. "I didn't do anything to him! Toshiro's the one that bit him and Grimmjow's the one that got soap in his eyes!"

Well, that was the last time she left the poor kid in the orange haired idiot's care if she could help it. Maybe he got the three he got for a reason.

Skidding to a halt in front of Rukia's short stature Ichigo promptly dumped the sulky brown haired child into her awaiting arms.

"Please. Don't ever make me do that again," he practically begged with large, pleading chocolate brown eyes. "That was an absolute nightmare. I think I'd rather face Kenpachi and Byakuya again. _At the same time._"

Blinking once in mild surprise she asked, "How was it that bad? All you had to do was bathe them."

She just received a shudder and a haunted look that made her hastily retract her question. What if she found out and the kids focused their attention on her. She shuddered.

Looking around once curiously she asked, "Where are your brats anyways?"

"Tracking down Gin. We should be hearing from them any minute now come to think of it."

As if on cue there was a loud, indignant screech from somewhere within hearing distance, only it bounced off the walls of the buildings and echoed so much they couldn't pinpoint exactly where it was.

Ichigo smirked. "Sounds like they found him."

They didn't bother to use their reiatsu to try and find the children. They'd tried it before and it really hadn't worked all that well. It was probably because the kid's reiatsu was so radically different from their older counterparts. More…friendly and sweet.

Rounding a corner they stopped as they saw the kids. They didn't exactly understand what they were seeing, but they knew they were seeing it.

"Shut up Gin!" Ulquiorra snarled as he tried to pin the squirming silver haired boy. "Stay still!"

"NO!"

Grimmjow smacked him upside the head at the word, expression scarily happy. Maybe there was a bit more of the adult Grimmjow in him then they thought…

"Let go!" Gin wailed. "Ruki! Help!"

Grimmjow smacked him again at the same time Toshiro released a nasty snarl and bit Gin's ear.

The silver haired child's wail was excruciating on the ears.

Ichigo shrank back, ducking behind some cover. His ears couldn't take anymore of that kind of abuse!

The small soul reaper however ran over to the four children and rescued Gin from underneath them.

"Ruki!" Gin wailed as he latched onto her neck, sobbing. "They mean!"

"Well, its your own fault for running away. Why did you do that anyways?" she asked as she carefully checked out his bleeding ear. Damn, Toshiro punctured a hole right through the lobe. That kid must have some sort of super teeth. Must be because his Zanpakuto takes the form of a dragon.

"Jus' wanted tah play," he hiccupped, roughly brushing away his tears. "Didn't want a bath either. Don't like being clean."

"Ah. Next time tell us please because I don't want to panic like that again. It didn't exactly feel good you know."

Gin hiccupped again but nodded his head. When she went to set him down he clung to her with a grumpy snarl. Rolling her eyes she adjusted him on her hip so that it wouldn't put so much pressure on her back.

"Are they done?" Ichigo asked wearily as he stopped beside her, kids wrapped around his legs.

Rukia rolled her eyes. "Yeah, you coward."

"I've also been meaning to ask you where Stark is. One minute I had handed him off to you and the next he suddenly pulled a Houdini. I didn't even see where you put him down."

Once again rolling her eyes the violet eyed girl pointed towards Orihime who was cooing over Stark and crushing him in her boobs. Poor Stark had a look of utmost suffering on his face.

"How the hell did she get him and then magically appear all the way over there?" Ichigo exclaimed loudly, positively mind boggled.

"We're girls Ichigo and all girls have been given basic training by either Yoruichi or Soi Fon."

He lifted a brow. "Meaning?"

"I believe you humans would call us kunoichi. Or ninjas to be specific."

* * *

O~M~A~K~E

Ichigo narrowed his eyes, hand held out expectantly.

Aizen narrowed his eyes and pouted, hands clutched protectively around something that couldn't be seen completely.

"Give it here Aizen," Ichigo said, emphasizing his words by moving his hand in a "gimme" fashion.

"I don't want to! It's MY action replay!"

"You freakin' stole it from Kai's friend! You're suck a freakin' cheater! Every time you think you're going to lose you use that stupid thing! Give it to me right now or face the wrath of a human girl that can completely destroy you with a few words from her pen!" Ichigo yelled.

Pouting harder Aizen did as he was asked and handed it to Ichigo without a fight which magically disappeared as soon as it touched his hand.

They both stared at the empty hand before Ichigo shrugged and turned, walking away. Maybe things would be more even in their fights now that Aizen couldn't cheat like a bitch high on crack.

* * *

Kai: The omake came to me from my friend kittenz_uzamaki while I was over her house this weekend. It just explained _so_ much and it went along with my little joke in the beginning of the chapter. Thanks for everybody's reviews as well!


	11. Mental Scarring

Baby Steps

Chapter 11: Metal Scarring

* * *

'_My poor sword,'_ Ichigo said to Hichigo as he sulked. Toshiro clung to his leg with a guilty look, tears pouring down his face. He knew he really should do something about that but right now he was mourning his trusty sword. The one that protected him from baddies trying to skewer him on their own swords and acted as a shield from those that tried to harm him. A sword that was now utterly covered in teeth marks.

'_There is ah god!'_ Hichigo howled in laughter, tears staining his cheeks. He held his gut protectively as he tried not to fall.

'_Shut up!'_

"Ichi ahm sowwy," Toshiro hiccupped, clinging tighter.

"It's okay," he muttered, staring dejectedly at his teeth ridden sword. "Zangetsu's not mad so I guess you can't be in too much trouble."

'_That's because it will heal with your reiatsu,'_ was his Zanpakuto's calm answer.

'_So you're saying that if it didn't you would be pissed?'_

'_Extremely.'_

Rukia smirked over at him as she carefully shifted a sleeping Gin to her other shoulder. "Looks like someone's teething."

"No fucking duh. I just wish it wasn't on my sword. Zangetsu did _not_ deserve this fate," the orange haired boy muttered as he placed his sword back on his back.

'_No, I did not,'_ Zangetsu said in a eloquent manner.

"What I want to know," Ichigo suddenly said, interrupting the silence that had befallen the group. Silence always equated to the calm before the storm and he didn't feel quite up to dealing with that particular "storm" just yet, "is why we haven't just ran to the camp yet. We're all recovered and it wouldn't take that much time for me to come back and grab the ones that can't do flash step."

"One problem with that," Uryu grumbled.

"What's that?"

He pointed at the still crying Toshiro that was _still_ clinging to his leg. Grimmjow and Ulquiorra were a bit better as they weren't clinging, but they were still pretty close to him. "You sure you can carry them on multiple trips with people of different sizes and weights on your back?"

Ichigo opened his mouth to say a clear and definitive "Yes" before he paused and _really_ thought about it. Uryu and Orihime would be fine. They were both skinny enough. Rukia would be fine on her own. Chad though. _Chad_ was a problem though.

"…I get your point." He sulked.

So they trudged on in weary silence, the kids the only ones to make noise.

"So," Orihime started, smiling at nothing and everything, "do you know how you're going to change these little guys back to normal?"

Rukia joined Ichigo in his sulking.

"Ichi!" Grimmjow said, coming over and pulling on his hakama. His big blue eyes were filled with wonder. Ichigo immediately felt like something was wrong. Grimmjow usually only got that look for one reason…

"What Grimm?"

He pointed to the side. Ichigo looked, did a double-take, then paled until he was a light green.

"Oh. My. God," the orange haired boy stammered, looking green. "Is that Urahara's naked ass hanging from that flagpole?"

The others shifted their attention in the direction Ichigo had so nicely pointed out. There were multiple gags, retches, and gasps as they caught sight of Urahara who was indeed hanging upside down, naked from a flagpole.

"Ichigo is that you? Help me! Yoruichi has reverted! The apocalypse has come! No one shall know any peace! The dark days are here again! The world barely survived the first time and the first time around we had her Father and little Byakuya!" Urahara wailed, clutching his hat protectively in front of his genitals. His blue eyes were wide with terror. "Save me and then RUN FOR YOUR _LIVES_!"

Ichigo did one better and hauled ass away from the insane blonde. It was lucky that his three charges recognized the signs of him being mentally scarred beyond all reason and grabbed onto him before he could run screaming in a random direction.

Luckily enough he ended up in front of the Shinigami camp. Very lucky considering he was trying to claw out his eyes with his fingernails while Hichigo fought him for control so he would _not_ do that. Made it rather hard to see things naturally.

The other Shinigami that were going about their own business in the camp stared as their supposed "savior" ran around in tight circles yelling lines like "Please, someone gouge out my eyes! I wanna' be _bliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind_" and "Oh, God! What did I do to deserve this fate! Did I rape kids in a past life? Why me?"

Hichigo wrenched control from Ichigo with a snarled shout, the body's eyes changing to gold with a black outline. He thought about commenting about Ichigo's curled up position in his own head as he whimpered in obvious trauma, but decided against it. He didn't want the orange haired boy broken, just cracked a little. And the way things are going it already looked like he did or was well on his way.

'_You know,'_ Zangetsu suddenly said, as if struck by an epiphany. What looked like a cigarette was now in his hand, but Hichigo could tell that they were more drugs. _'I just realized something. You dress like a girl.'_ Another high-pitched giggle filled with sadistic humor. _'Not only that, but a fashion challenged, mentally retarded little girl. Hah.'_

Hichigo closed the connection between his two partners with another loud snarl. It seemed that "insane" really was contagious. He wondered momentarily if he should go to a doctor, probably Unohana, and get that checked out. If Ichigo ever decided to have kids then he wouldn't want defective genes to get passed down. After all he was basically made from Ichigo so if anything was wrong with himself or his partners then it was all his fault.

"Ichigo? What in the hell's wrong with you?" Renji asked as he walked over to him wearily.

Hichigo's hand whipped out and he grabbed Renji by the front of his shirt. Hauling him closer he hissed, "I'm. Not. ICHIGO."

Renji gulped, eyes wide. "You're…you're the hollow?"

Now Hichigo just felt like sulking. The hollow? Seriously, that's all he got? What did he have to do to earn some recognition around here? Pull an Aizen? Wait, that was giving the gay bastard too much credit. What did he have to do, pull a haughty bitch move? That sounded a bit better, but was still giving too much credit to the gay bastard that was so far in the closet he probably found Narnia.

Hichigo blinked once, intrigued by his own thought.

Maybe that was it. Maybe Aizen had found Narnia and had pulled an Ichigo- going completely off the deep end. Except in Aizen's case he went very violently off the deep end. Hichigo huffed. That man (he sometimes had his doubts. He acted too much like a haughty bitch on her period for him _not_ to have his suspicions) seriously needed to get laid. It may be a crime in the human world to go after little boys, but Gin war, or _had_ been, a man whore. At least that was impression he got from Rangiku and those two _had_ been best friends. It was entirely possible that they-

Hichigo cut that thought off before it could solidify. He didn't need to turn into a shuddering, mentally scarred pile of goop like Ichigo. They didn't need _three_ inept psychos in their shared head. At least the inept part. He's already been psycho before the old man and King decided to give into peer pressure steal his thing.

* * *

Kai: Sorry everybody for the long wait. These past few months have been busy for me and I've been trying to get back into this. Plus, I've had ACTS and finals. Ugh, my head is DEAD. I thought I might have to put it on hiatus, but thankfully that didn't happen. Thanks for all the reviews!


	12. Suicidal Idiots

Baby Steps

Chapter 12: Suicidal Idiots

* * *

_'Are yah done King? Ah don' wanna' be out here too lon'.'_

The only answer Hichigo received was a loud whimper and eyes so wide that they resembled full moons.

_'Geez. Ferget ah asked.'_

"What happened to Ichigo anyways?" Renji asked as they both sipped leisurely at some tea they had scrounged up from one of the houses. It was surprisingly good and also surprisingly expensive. What Soul Society thought it was doing putting expensive, _brand new_ tea bags in houses they knew were going to get destroyed was beyond him. Humans did the most idiotic things. "That was him running around like a moron earlier right?"

"Yep. Kin's cracked." Another lazy sip of the warm tea overflowing with sugar. So he'd probably clog Ichigo's arteries with the stuff. Sue him.

"Cracked?"

"Yep. Off dah deep en'. Off dah rocker. His ship 'as sailed. His brain's sunk. In other words completely batshit."

"Oh. I see. Why are you out here anyways? Doesn't he usually fight you tooth and nail for you _not_ to be out here? For that matter, why aren't you trying to kill us all?"

Hichigo aimed an incredulous look at Renji, eyebrow arched high. "Aftah dah shit ah saw dah las' few times Kin' actually let meh out? No thanks. Yah'll can _have_ yer precious bodies. Ah'll jus' sneak out when ah can an' go party or somethin'."

"Well, _that's_ a new one."

Hichigo aimed an irritated look at the red head. "Since when have _you_ been dah intellectual one? Yer usually dah one dat starts all dah stupid shit!" He used the hand with the cup of tea in it for emphasis, forgetting that it still had tea in it. He cursed and quickly licked the liquid off of Ichigo's hand. That was quality tea damn it!

Renji blinked once, expression blank as Hichigo began licking and sucking his hand, staring mournfully at the tea he hadn't managed to catch with his tongue as it dripped slowly to the ground. "...That is so not right..."

"Wha' isn' righ'?"

"The fact that you basically just sucked and licked your hand right in front of me. Come on man! Don't you have Rukia or Orihime for that?"

The glare that was aimed at Renji was dark enough to bring day to night. "Ne-ver," he hissed, drawing the words out. "If Kin' even _thinks_ of goin' out with those two _idiots_ I'll-"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING AN IDIOT!" Rukia shrieked from up in the air, letting gravity pull her down. The sheathe that was gripped tightly in her hands was brought down with monumental force straight down on Hichigo's head. The force knocked right out of the chair he had been sitting in and nearly sent him across the make-shift camp.

"...An' tha' is why ah don' wan' Kin' anywhere _near_ those two violent girls," the inner Hollow groaned, blood trailing in thin rivulets down his face. He saw Ulquiorra out of the corner of his eyes and waved weakly. He received a hesitant wave back.

"...I see what you mean," Renji said with wide eyes, staring at the silently fuming Rukia. Honestly, the girl hadn't changed a bit from the scrap of a little girl with foul mouth that ran around stealing food and water just to survive.

"THAT'S IT!" Rukia roared, deciding she'd had enough. Gin and Stark stared at her with wide eyes as she turned on Hichigo and attempted to strangle him which he avoided by yelping and rolling to his feet, running away as fast as he could.

"STUPID BITCH! I DON' EVEN HAVE AS BAD AH TEMPER AS YOU AN' AHM AH FUCKIN' HOLLOW!" Hichigo screamed at the top of his lungs avoiding a startled Unohana who had her arms full of what looked like medicine.

He ran past dozens of shinigami, all of which stopped to gape and stare as he ran past, Rukia hot on his heels. Normally he would've just left her in the dust, but Ichigo wasn't letting him use his spiritual powers to even do one minuscule flash step.

_'Lazy bastard,'_ Hichigo muttered to Ichigo who was still whimpering and rocking in his little emo circle. Circle because Ichigo's mind was weird like that.

Looking up he spotted Byakuya and dove behind him, clutching the back of his clothes. Byakuya raised a brow and opened his mouth, but was stopped as Rukia came running into view looking like a deranged, pms-ing, pregnant woman.

"Brother!" Rukia yelled as she spotted him, expression fearful. She slid to a stop in front of him, her feet kicking up dust.

"Rukia," Byakuya began icily, "what have I told you about setting an example for those beneath your station? You are sullying the Kuchiki name by running around, acting like a wild vagabond."

Rukia bowed. "Forgive me brother! I did not mean to dishonor you so!"

As the two siblings went back and forth in polite language Hichigo slowly crept away, making sure to keep quiet so that he wouldn't be caught. He never thought he'd be thankful for that flowery, dishonest way of speaking in his entire existence. Granted, he'd only "existed" for a couple of months now, not counting the time he had been unaware. Still...

"Hichigo."

Hichigo stopped his sneaking long enough to glance down at Ulquiorra who had suddenly appeared and clamped onto his leg. For some odd, strange reason he really wanted to kick him off.

Wait. Why the hell was that strange? He was a hollow and hollow's didn't let cute, Gothic looking kids cling to their legs! Then again Ulquiorra was a hollow too and he hadn't gone around trying to kick things off his legs when he'd been bigger. Granted, he _did_ kick Grimmjow around, but _everybody_ seemed to do that. Even Stark who was usually to lazy to do anything more then sleep and _breathe._

"Wha' the hell do yah want brat?" Hichigo huffed, moving back towards the table where is fucking expensive tea was. He still thought that the whole of Soul Society was compromised of idiots.

"Grimmjow is attacking a big guy with spiky-bell hair and a maniacal grin."

Hichigo stopped in his tracks, Ichigo taking over just long enough to shriek, "WHAT!"

Ulquiorra blinked and repeated, "Grimmjow is attacking a big guy with spiky-bell hair and a maniacal grin."

Hichigo and Ichigo both groaned in unison before Hichigo realized that Ichigo had somehow broken his emo circle and was lucid.

_'Hey! Hurry up an' take over stupid King!'_ Hichigo snapped.

_'No fucking way!'_

_'What! Why the hell not?'_

_'There is no way in hell I'm facing Kenpachi again. Have fun hollow. You're the one that wanted out. Well guess what? You get what you wish for.'_

As Hichigo dissolved into loud, incoherent fits of angry convulsions overlaid by curses that poisoned the air like Kurotsuchi's bankai Ulquiorra sighed. It seemed that he was forever surrounded by idiots.

Hichigo tripped and smashed his face into the cement, blood dripping down his face.

On second thought he was surrounded by masochistic, _suicidal_, idiots.

* * *

Kai: Whoo! I got this done! Sorry it took so long everybody. I am just _seriously_ lacking in inspiration for this story lately. Honestly, Bleach has just went Narutarded. A little word I made up for any anime/manga/video game etc. that goes as retarded as Naruto by Masashi Kishimoto. I swear that the only reason that Naruto is still so popular is because of the yaoi fangirls.

Kitty: I second that bullshit! Thanks for reading and the awesome reviews! You make Kai's life so much brighter! And yes she actually said to say that. What a sap.

Kai: Hey! At least I actually thank my reviewers!


	13. Battle of the Century:Meet Unohana

Baby Steps

Chapter 13: The Battle of the Century...Meet Unohana

* * *

"Stupid King. Stupid brats. Stupid human life. Ah don' know why ah ever wanted tah take over his body. It's freakin' torture out here!" the Hollow side of Ichigo muttered, the words filled with enough venom that it blistered on his tongue. He carefully followed the direction he could feel Grimmjow and Kenpachi's Spiritual Pressure escalating into ridiculous heights.

"_Aren't yah glad I tied the midgetey brats up to the midget?"_ Hichigo asked sarcastically to his unusually docile King. Ichigo merely stared at him and curled forward, tightening his hold around his legs. He looked like a giant black ball with an orange growth on top.

"_Oh, just go save the blue haired bastard. I have a feeling he did this on purpose anyway. Why would he choose __**Kenpachi **__of all people if it wasn't on purpose?"_

Hichigo rolled his eyes. _"Paranoid bastard."_

"_I'm still alive aren't I?"_

"_Yeah, no thanks tah Zangetsu an' me."_

"_Go rot in hell Hollow bastard."_

Feeling that was all he was going to get from his King for the moment, Hichigo landed on the roof of a building and looked down on the scene below. Kenpachi was chasing a blue blur and laughing maniacally as he did, Yachiru clinging to his back and laughing just as wildly.

"Die! _Die!_" Grimmjow cackled, braking in the middle of the high speed chase and lunging toward the speeding bullet – also known as Kenpachi Zaraki. The man laughed and batted the small form out of the air, sending him careening backwards.

Hichigo jumped down and caught him, digging his feet in so that he simply went skidding slightly across the road instead of sent flying.

Kenpachi blinked once, then laughed, his golden, skull shaped Spiritual Pressure rocketing upwards from sheer glee. Ichigo shook like _he_ was the one on crack in their shared head and dove for Zangetsu, hiding underneath his tattered cloak, much to his Zanpakuto's irritation.

Straightening and hauling Grimmjow underneath his right arm Hichigo scowled and yelled, "What th' hell's yer problem? Yah gotta' thin' about attacking lil' kids?"

Kenpachi laughed. "He challenged me and he put up a good fight but now that you're here," his Spiritual Pressure went even _higher_ if that was possible, "_we can have a real fight!_"

Hichigo took one look and promptly felt his sanity leave him.

Throwing Grimmjow carelessly over his shoulder he didn't notice when the blue haired toddler grabbed onto the back of his shihakusho and clung on, much like Yachiru was already doing. He cracked his knuckles and grinned insanely. "_Bring it fucker!_"

And thus the battle of the century began with a clash and a bang.

"Ah give! Ah give! Leggo' ah mah ear!"

"Let go of me woman! You have no right to interfere in a man to man battle!"

Unohana aimed a sharp, sweet smile at her two newest patients and they immediately fell silent. "Did I tell you that you could talk?" she asked, that same smile growing wider at the corners.

"No ma'am," both Kenpachi and Hichigo mumbled.

"What was that?" The smile became just a little bit sharper.

"No ma'am," they repeated louder, gulping and fearing slightly for their lives – which was a first for Kenpachi. For Hichigo… not so much.

"And what are the rules gentlemen, that I have so kindly laid out for you?"

"No messing with each other or the other patients," they once again repeated. "No messing with the people that are trying to help us."

She tilted her head, the sharp edge that she had gained fading back to the still terrifying smile as before, but somehow a little less dangerous. "And your specific rules?"

"No terrifying your squad into pissin' themselves," Kenpachi stated sulkily.

"No mindfucking with your squad until they break," Hichigo said with a pout.

Unohana nodded, her dangerous expression fading into something a lot more pleasant and cheery. "Good. Now was that so hard?"

Considering whom she had just dragged those humiliating answers from: _yes._

The Captain of the Fourth Division walked out with a few more words of subtle threatening, stating that she had more _important_ business to attend to then a grown man that was technically millennia older than the orange haired boy lying next to him in the opposite bed, and a Hollow toddler that was throwing a tantrum in his "King's" body.

They waited until they could no longer here her footsteps before both unconsciously released twin sighs of relief. Both heard the other sigh, turned to meet eyes, and silently promised not to reveal what they had just done.

"Unohana is one scary bitch," Hichigo stated bluntly after a few minutes had elapsed. He earned an agreeing grunt, but that was all.

A few more minutes later and Hichigo whined, "I'm bored."

Kenpachi grumbled, not actually answering the Hollow's complaints.

Pouting, Hichigo decided that if the giant monstrosity of a man wasn't going to talk to him then he would just do whatever happened to relieve his boredom.

Opening his mouth he began to sing, "_This is the song that never ends__, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because…"_

Kenpachi groaned. "Shut the fuck up. That song is really annoying."

But the Hollow continued on, taken a manic glee in annoying the monstrous Captain. _"This is the song that never __ends;__ yes it goes on and on my friend. __Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue __singing it forever just because… This is the song…"_

"_Me and Sue we're making music like never before. When we heard the killing sound of a key in the door. She looked at me, I looked at her. She said could be my husband I'm not really sure. Well, out of the bed I scrambled into my boots. I jumped out the window in my birthday suit. I never dreamed I could move so fast. One step ahead of a shotgun blas-"_

"WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCKING HELL UP!" Kenpachi roared so loud that the room shuddered. Hichigo snickered and smugly made a mental check beside Kenpachi's name. That was one more person that he had annoyed into mental suicide. He'd recognize that tone anywhere.

"Why? I'm bored," Hichigo whined, sticking his bottom lip out. Despite the check against his name Hichigo was impressed. Then again Kenpachi must be pretty resilient to be able to tolerate Yachiru for any length of time.

"Go annoy Ichigo," was Kenpachi's flat retort. How he had found out that he wasn't really Ichigo was a mystery he didn't care enough to ask about.

"I would but I've already broken his head. For the tenth time in the last couple days. Zangetsu gets mad when I do it too many times though 'cuz it starts to rain after ah while. We don' like rain."

"And how did you do that?" was the sarcastic question.

"Oh, I sang for a lot longer than I've sung for you. He couldn't take it after three days. Ruin all my fun Ichigo…"

Before Kenpachi could say anything more Unohana walked back in the room with Hanataro in tow. In his hands was a struggling Grimmjow who looked quite put out at having to be carried by the small male with the girly name.

"Hey, brat," Hichigo greeted with a grin as the blue haired toddler jumped from Hanataro's suddenly looser hold and landed on his bed. "Happy now? Yah gotta' see lots of d'struction and chaos. Now quit causin' stupid messes or I'mma sic Ulquiorra and the little midget Captain on you. Got it?"

Grimmjow nodded, eyes wide. He remembered the last time those two had tracked him down and wanted nothing to do with a repeat. Toshiro's teeth were sharp! And Ulquiorra was a sadistic bastard. He'd just have to think of something else to torture his orange haired keeper with...

Hichigo watched as Grimmjow opened his mouth and gave an almighty cackle that was just _full_ of evil intentions. _("You're dealin' with dis one Kin'.")_

Ichigo just groaned.

* * *

Kai: Sorry for the wait everybody. My laptop has officially died and I find it hard to find the time or the effort to go somewhere to work on and publish this. Hopefully it hasn't been _too _long though. Thank Kittenz Koni if anybody. She's the one that was nice enough to let me use her internet _and_ computer. If that ain't friendship then nothing else is.

Kitty: Why thank you Kai. Thanks for all the wonderful reviews and hope to hear from all of you again!


	14. The Horrible Truth

Author's Note: I have been obsessed with many things lately. Unfortunately, no part of those obsessions have been Bleach. In fact, the recent chapters of the manga have pretty much put me _off _of the manga. Sad. Very sad considering I used to love it enough to want to name my nonexistent children after the characters. I guess I'll just have to dwell on better times. Like when television was good. Ah, I remember good television...

Thank you **9foxgrl, Nikotehfox, anime-lover890, **and **Falcner **for reviewing my story. It warms my soul—or what I have of one. *Evil Cackle*

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

Title: Baby Steps

Chapter 14: The Horrible Truth

* * *

Ichigo shook his head, a terrible ache growing just behind his ears. Unohana didn't seem to notice—or care—that he was in some serious pain and would like some relief. Not that he blamed her what with Grimmjow blowing up her makeshift clinic and all...

"I have done a bit of research with Urahara and we have both come to the same conclusion regarding all of your charges." She took a sip of her tea, her calm smile setting the orange haired boy on edge. Nothing good came out of looking that calm in this kind of situation. He had enough experience with Yuzu to know this was true.

"And?" he asked.

She smiled wider, flashing her teeth. "With the research on all the children concluded we have come to the conclusion that we can't change them back."

Horror. Sheer, all consuming _horror _engulfed Ichigo's mind, body, and soul.

"Never?" he whispered, face paling.

"Never," Unohana confirmed with a happy chirp, setting her empty cup off to the side.

Ichigo lost it with a blast of spiritual pressure.

"What the hell do you mean _never? _How can that be true? You and Urahara and even that freak Kurotsuchi are the best minds this side of the fuckin' universe! How can all three of you say that they can't be changed back? Something is obviously wrong with this picture! One of you is screwing with me." He switched to a wide grin, all of his teeth showing as his eyes slowly turned black and gold. "I bet you its _Urahara_." The last word came out in a hiss. "I will have my revenge."

Unohana reached out and slapped Ichigo upside the head. "Kurosaki, I would appreciate it if you would calm down and listen for once." Her smile turned sharp and the whole area around her dark and cold. Ichigo shivered in fear. "I was not done with my explanation."

Ichigo reluctantly did as he was told, wishing that she had allowed the others in here with him. Apparently he was too unstable for this kind of news and had to be watched so that he didn't go out of control and start smashing things. They were really sick of him smashing things.

"Thank you," she chirped, area going back to normal and smile turning back to her usual gentle and angelic one.

Ichigo idly wondered if she had a split personality.

"Now, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, we cannot change the children back to their normal selves, but _you _can," she informed him, adding emphasis on the you_. _She didn't want him to get some insane notion that she had volunteered herself to help him. The task she was about to send forth was beyond her abilities and she really didn't want to die. That's what the other divisions were for. She just healed them after they were stupid enough to get injured in the first place.

"What do you mean me?" Ichigo complained, a feeling of dread already making its way down his spine.

"Just what I said. You must go forth and capture the _beas_- ah, I mean Shihoin Yoruichi. She has most of the shards of the Shikon no Ta- ah, I mean the Hogyoku, inside her body. Which was what Urahara was going to tell you before you ran away." _Like a little bitch _she left unsaid, but it was implied.

Ichigo blinked and tilted his head slightly in confusion. "Wait. How can you know that? Did you manage to get ahold of her or something?"

"No. She informed us herself when she dropped off her demands," she said demurely, pouring herself a new cup of hot tea.

"Demands?" he asked, the feeling of dread he'd felt earlier making a reappearance.

"Mm-hmm. She has reverted back to the mindset she had when she was about ten which means she now wants sparkles and glitter-and they have to be labeled separately-, cute plush toys of cats, lots of junk food, catnip and food, and the one she once knew as Little Byakuya." Unohana gazed down at her tea and daintily added a cube of sugar.

Ichigo just gaped. "…What!"

"If we don't give into her demands she's threatened to release her minions— the Cat Army. We've had to deal with them before and it was not pretty. Let us just say that we are glad that Byakuya looks so good in woman's clothing," she replied cheerfully, finishing her latest cup and setting it off to the side.

Ichigo just gaped. "…What!"

"I guess this is a bad time to tell you that the children have all retained their memories of their grown selves and have just been fucking with you this entire time."

Ichigo broke.

* * *

"Ichigo get down from there!" Rukia yelled, watching as her orange haired friend danced around on the unstable branch of a tree fifty feet in the air.

He looked down at her with hazy brown eyes before sticking his tongue out and blowing a raspberry.

"ICHIGO!" she screeched, stomping her foot childishly and drawing even more stares from the surrounding audience than before. "Come down here right this moment or I WILL send someone up there to get you!"

"Make me!" he shouted back just as childishly and promptly started humming Sephiroth's theme from the Final Fantasy VII games.

Rukia screamed and whirled on a young man with slightly long black hair and golden eyes. He was smoking a cigarette and mostly ignoring the ensuing stupidity.

"Zangetsu go get your stupid wielder before he kills himself damn it!" she yelled, throwing her arms up in the air.

"Hell no," he replied bluntly, taking a drag of his cancer stick.

Rukia's eye twitched. Or maybe that wasn't the best way to describe it as it was more of a spasm of sheer fury. "Why not?"

"I'm afraid of heights," he told her in a sweet tone, batting his eyelashes. He snickered at her vaguely horrified expression. Maybe he should act gay more often if it got people to leave him alone. He'd never be as bad as that Charlotte whatever-the-hell-his-her-_its_-last-name-was though. That was taking it into an unneeded extent.

"Right," she said doubtfully and turned her attention on Hichigo who was snoozing in the sun with his- _Ichigo's _three charges on his chest, snoozing as well. She might have thought it was cute if she hadn't been duly informed by a scarily cheerful Unohana that the brats had all their memories. When she got them back to normal she'd _murder _them. She didn't care if their instincts took over when they'd been changed and they'd been too embarrassed to tell them the truth. Murder was still in their near future. Very near if she had anything to say about it.

"Hichigo, go get your King!" she barked, waking him up and the three kids on his chest in the process.

"What?" he grunted, slightly disoriented. Her words finally registered a few seconds later and asked, "Why?"

Rukia spluttered. "Because he's going to kill himself!" She then smiled slyly, an idea coming to mind. "And if he dies you die," she added casually, mentally berating herself for not thinking of that before. Would've been helpful an hour ago.

Hichigo blinked blearily before groaning and plopping himself back on the ground, yelling, "Zanny! It's yer turn!"

"Fuck off," was his oh-so-eloquent reply.

"Ah'll sing Barney!" the Hollow threatened.

Zangetsu was up the tree and on Ichigo's branch before anyone could blink.

"Ichigo come here," he ordered sharply, watching as his wielder used the branch like a gymnast would a bar and was swinging on it around and around and around and—okay, he was dizzy.

"No!" the orange haired teenager yelled, still spinning around. "Bad stuff happens when I'm around you guys. Go away!"

"Oh, suck it up," Zangetsu grumbled, flicking his spent cigarette away. He heard a scream, but didn't really care enough to check who he'd hit with the remnants of his little cancer stick.

"No!" Ichigo shouted again and dove off the tree, yelling excitedly as he plummeted toward his doom.

Zangetsu stared after him with a vaguely horrified expression, mouth open and golden eyes wide. He peered over the edge of the branch and could just make out Ichigo's bright hair before he disappeared from view.

Down below Rukia was impatiently waiting for Zangetsu to bring his insane wielder down from the ridiculously large tree. Bored, she turned to the dozing Hichigo and asked a question that'd been bothering her for a while. "Why are you and Zangetsu out and about in the real world anyways?"

Hichigo awakened with a jerk, muttering, "Ahm awake," as he did. He peered over at her blearily, taking in her irritated, but still curious expression and shrugged. "Hell if ah know. Ask Mr. Insanity up there who's now falling to his doom."

It took a few seconds for his words to register in _either _of their brains.

"Ichigo!"

"King!"

They watched in horror as Ichigo appeared in their vision, still falling erratically and exclaiming, "Wheeeeeee!" every few seconds. He was just about to go "splat" when he was suddenly no longer there. Instead he was on an adjacent building, flash stepping away at a rapid pace and laughing maniacally all the while.

The two stared after him, Hichigo halfway frozen in a standing position, until they were joined by Zangetsu, with him staring after Ichigo as well. They might have remained there for a while if a tiny voice hadn't intruded in on there blank thoughts.

"Gwowd-ups iyiots," Toshiro informed them bluntly with all the authority a small three year old possessed.

"Yeah. Yer all dumb," Grimmjow found fit to inform them with a shit-eating smirk. Considering the amount of trouble he'd been getting up to within the last couple of hours, that was probably a bad thing.

"…Morons," Ulquiorra said.

"Yeah," Hichigo said testily, throwing out an arm in the direction Ichigo had taken off in, "well he's finally gone off the deep end and it _wasn't my fault."_

"We'll get him back to normal," Rukia said, trying to put faith for their venture in her voice, but failing miserably.

"What are you talking about?" Hichigo asked impatiently, teeth grinding and temple pulsing as he whirled on the three frightened toddlers, pointing at them wildly, golden eyes shining with fury. "Ahm pissed 'cuz they got 'em tah break! Them! Not meh! The meh who's been fuckin' with his head fer months! Ah call bullshit! Ah demand ah recount! Ain't no way ahm acceptin' dis bull!"

As Hichigo raved on, Rukia stared on, and the three kids cowered on, Zangetsu continued to stare after his wielder, his excellent vision just barely being able to make out black clothes flying everywhere and then very naked, very tan skin streaking around along with a blur of orange somewhere near the top of the tan.

"...Oh, we are so fucked."

* * *

Kai: ~Looks around nervously, holding Zack Fair and Cloud Strife from Final Fantasy VII in front of body like a shield~ It was all my fault this time. I just honestly couldn't think of anything to write, plus I've been working on some other stories. I haven't forgotten this, but damn. I didn't realize how long it'd been since I last updated. I'll need to watch that more closely in the future. Then again I'm sure most everybody would like quality over quantity anyways. Thanks as always for the love peeps!


	15. Missing

Author's Note: Thank you **9foxgrl, icywarm, Falcner, Kittenz Koni, and La Dark Flower** for reviewing!

I had a hell of a time with this chapter. I wasn't really in a funny mood every time I wrote this which got to be a pain after a while. Hopefully it still turned out alright. So, quick question, did anyone put the clues together and figured out that the kids all had their memories? Let me know and enjoy the new chapter.

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

Baby Steps

Chapter 15: Missing

* * *

Hichigo scratched the back of his head, looking at the map that was filled to the brim with Rukia's convoluted plan to get Ichigo back to normal. "...There's no way 'n hell tha's goin' tah work."

"Yes it will!" she snapped, erasing a line.

"But Rukia," Orihime tried timidly, "your plan includes us _overpowering_ Ichigo. Who would be able to do that?"

"Zangetsu of course! He's his Zanpakuto! Ichigo can't hurt him unless he wants to be without his Shinigami powers so ha!"

"There is no way in hell I'm going to be facing against my wielder. I like living thank-you-very-much," Zangetsu told them bluntly, still in his Tensa Zangetsu form. Both Orihime and Rukia had the urge to hug him, but resisted. Barely.

"Well, why not?" Rukia huffed, holding up her plan proudly. "With this plan you're sure to succeed!"

"Notice how you left yourself out?" Zangetsu asked sarcastically.

Rukia ignored him. "Now, the only thing left to do is find him." She peered out into the distance, focusing her spiritual pressure on finding her orange haired friend. She had no luck. It'd been a while since she had last been able to practice.

"Ooh!" Orihime squealed, jumping up and down excitedly. "Can I try? Can I try?"

"I don't think you have this ability Orihime," Rukia told her absently, turning to Zangetsu and Hichigo. "Okay then. You two try."

Both parts of Ichigo looked more than a little reluctant.

"...Can't we do dis wit'out 'em," Hichigo muttered.

Zangetsu nodded in agreement. "I don't think we'd be able to catch up to him anyways."

Orihime tilted her head curiously, heading Rukia off before her temper could get the better of her. "What do you mean by that?"

"Last time I tuned into his thoughts he was streaking in the middle of the square with a paper bag over his head," Zangetsu admitted reluctantly.

Orihime blushed furiously, her imagination taking over and sending her not-so-innocent images. She wasn't as innocent she would like people to believe. Which was probably why Uryu liked her. They were two evil masterminds beneath all that idiocy and pretty-boyness.

"Oh. But my Ichigo senses tell me that he's near the cafe on Juri Street," Orihime replied confusedly, pivoting on her heel and pointing with a finger.

Rukia hesitated then turned to Zangetsu who paused a beat then nodded, staring at the light orange haired girl like she was a zombie.

"How in da hell did'ja know that Princess?" Hichigo asked, awed.

Orihime blushed and laughed nervously, scratching the back of her head. "I've always been able to find Ichigo like that. Tatsuki calls it a Ichigo-detector!"

While Rukia was a bit weirded out by this interesting piece of information she didn't let it deter her in the slightest. Instead, she grinned like the cat that ate the canary and said, "Okay then! Hichigo take Orihime with you. Zangetsu and I will follow you after we get my brother. After you find Ichigo and slap some sanity back into his thick head we'll go to the place where Yoruichi is holed up at and get my brother to convince her to stop being... well, _her. _And _then_ we can get the little guys to turn back to normal and... where did the brats and hellions go?"

The group whipped around as one to stare at the place the small children had last been seen. There was nothing there now, but small footprints in the sand and small swirls of dust as the wind sent it twirling in the air.

"...Damn it," Rukia cursed.

* * *

"Huwwy up Gwimmjow!" Toshiro yelled at the blue haired toddler who had fallen behind, cursing his little head off as he slid down the hill, rubble and small debris flying in all direction. "We haf ta find dat _idiot_ Kuwosaki and make him help us get back ta nowmal!"

"Ahm commin' awready. Jeesh! No wonder Mathumoto'd awways wunnin' away fwom you," Grimmjow growled as he regained his feet and brushed off the dirt clinging stubbornly to his clothes.

"Will you two shut up and focus on walking, or are you going to stay here and rot," Ulquiorra asked, already a decent length in front of them.

Both Toshiro and Grimmjow shot him a nasty glare, but followed after him regardless. They knew that if they couldn't get Ichigo back to normal then there would be nobody equipped enough to handle Yoruichi and if no one could handle Yoruichi then they would just be that much farther from getting back to normal and they wanted to be back to normal very much. Toshiro because he was sick of being shorter than his already short height of 4'4". He would never complain of being too short again. Grimmjow wanted to go back to normal simply because he was tired of being beaten by everyone and everything. The hill won, Kenpachi won, the little pink haired demon won. There was just no winning anything in a body this size! And Ulquiorra wanted to go back to being normal because he wanted the option of walking away from this whole situation. Being around others was okay for a short time, he'd decided, but going past that length was a little too much- even for him.

They walked past the remains of Ichigo's high school, panting harshly. They had actually made it a pretty fair distance, but were also tiring a lot quicker. Toshiro himself looked ready to drop.

"Can anyone thense that sthupid stwabewwy boy?" Toshiro asked with a groan as he collapsed on a burnt cushion with stuffing falling out of it that looked like it may have once come from a couch.

"No. He seems to have slipped my senses for the moment, but rest assured I will find him," Ulquiorra replied, his eyes burning with determination as he plopped down next to the white haired boy.

"Hey, ah been meanin' ta ask ya' how come you dun talk with ah lisp like us?" Grimmjow asked, plopping on Toshiro's other side, away from Ulquiorra.

"I refuse to speak with such a ridiculous lisp. It would ruin my reputation," Ulquiorra said in a perfect monotone.

Grimmjow snorted. "Like this hasn't already?"

"He's got a point," Toshiro added his two cents.

"True, but I can still honestly say that I haven't done anything _too_ embarrassing while stuck in this positively _humiliating_ state. Can you say the same?"

Both Toshiro and Grimmjow grumbled, but didn't deny the fact that during the course of this whole experience they had managed to embarrass themselves beyond their ability to recover. Curse Unohana for figuring them out! If she hadn't Ichigo would've still been somewhat sane and oblivious and they wouldn't have to go tracking all over creation (or Mayuri's) to find the orange haired idiot to fix them already.

They rested for a while before Toshiro sat up, stretched, and said, "We thud get goin'. Ahm sure that they know by now that we're missin'."

"Ahhhhhh. Going so soon?" a female voice cooed.

Toshiro, Ulquiorra, and Grimmjow all stiffened and slowly craned their heads around.

Yoruichi lay across a slab of cement above them, a shit eating grin on her face. If she had a tail at the moment it surely would've been swishing in sheer pleasure.

"...Yoruichi. It's... good to thee you," Toshiro said, a hint of fear at the edge of his voice.

Yoruichi only grinned.


	16. Streakers and Trauma

Thank you **Falcner, La Dark Flower, and Kittenz Koni **for reviewing! As a special mention, **La Dark Flower** was my **100****th** reviewer and one of my most faithful ones as well! As a result, I have taken a special request from **La Dark Flower** and have incorporated that request into the story. Hope you all enjoy the new chapter and thank you everyone for your kind comments!

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

Baby Steps

Chapter 16: Streakers and Trauma

* * *

"Yeth! Told ya' commin' with the thupid boy would workth in 'er favor!" Gin cried out loudly as he clung tightly to Ichigo's bare back, just barely managing to hang onto the slick flesh. The older boy had been running at insane speeds for a while now so it was no wonder he was sweaty.

"Why'd ah have'ta get stuck wich you?" Stark grumbled to himself from where he was hanging awkwardly from Ichigo's neck, occasionally fisting his tiny hands into Ichigo's hair to stop himself from flying off their very dangerous roller coaster ride.

Gin preened. "'Cuz ahm awethome like dat!"

Stark rolled his eyes and resisted the urge to throw a Cero at the annoying ex-Captain.

Ichigo took a sudden sharp turn and both Gin and Stark nearly lost their holds on the naked teen, hanging on only by sheer stubborn will or a tight grip on Ichigo's bright orange hair as Stark's case may be.

Stark scowled. "How're we shapposed ta gets dumbfuck here ta go back ta bein' nowmal?"

Gin gave Stark a strange look. "He wash normal?"

Stark gained a thoughtful look, his eyes looking up at the sky for a few seconds before coming back down to rest on Gin. "Good point."

"The aliens are coming! The aliens are coming! Battin' down the hatchets maties! Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh! Tubby little cubby all stuffed with fluff, he's Winnie the Pooh! Winnie the Pooh! Willy, nilly, silly old bear!" Ichigo belted out randomly and Stark grimaced, looking as if he'd swallowed a lemon.

"Dis boy may be one of da mosht powerfuls peoples in ta' universe," Stark muttered, "but he can'ts holds a tune worth a _crap."_

Gin nodded in agreement as he steered Ichigo towards their preferred destination, which was back towards Rukia and Ichigo's band of misfits.

* * *

"Daddy, I'm tired," Yuzu said tiredly as she finished climbing a tall mountain of debris. She yawned and covered her mouth with her hand, muttering, "Excuse me," politely.

Isshin gave what he thought was a mighty pose, but really only looked like he needed to be wearing an adult diaper and yelled, "Not to worry my dear daughter! We shall get you out of here soon and then I shall find your brother and we shall be home in time for some of your delicious cooking!"

From her twin's side, Karin scowled and looked around at the destroyed Karakura. "I'm not so sure about that old man. Karakura looks kind of...dead."

Isshin waved a hand dismissively. "Fear not children! This is simply a doll house that Soul Society gave Aizen to play with as he pleased. The real Karakura is in the Soul Society where they're sleeping peacefully and dreaming good dreams of pleasure and awesomeness!"

Karin groaned and resisted the urge to throttle her idiot father into the next century. After all, if it weren't for him, Yuzu and her would've been wandering this fake land looking for their brother for who knew how long. She suddenly and deeply regretted waking her sister up and wandering into this weird and dangerous place.

The Kurosaki family rested for a few minutes before getting back up and trudging down the mountain they'd only recently managed to climb. It was tougher on Yuzu then her father and sister but she was determined not to complain. After all, if her sister and father could do it without complaining then she didn't want to be the one to drag them down!

Once they reached the ground the sat and rested for a few more minutes, but it was more for Yuzu's sake than anything. After all, Karin _was_ her twin and was able to somewhat sense her sister's train of thought. She understood what her sister was all about, but now was not the time to be having an independent streak. They all needed to be ready for danger at any second and ready to run.

"Ichigo, you _idiots!_ I thaid go _that way!"_ The Kurosaki family suddenly heard a young voice yell.

They stood up, quickly putting up a meager defense. Yuzu had a ladle that she had pulled out from seemingly nowhere while Karin was ready with her soccer ball. The only one that actually had a feasible weapon was Isshin and, though the girl's loved their idiot father very much, he was still an idiot and the girl's felt much safer with their weapon of choice.

That was when Yuzu and Karin blinked, the uttered name catching up with their brains.

"Ichigo?" the twins asked, sparing each other a wide-eyed glance.

Out in the distance, fast approaching, was an orange blur.

As it got closer, the twins readied themselves for combat, still staring at what little they could make out from this distance. It only took a few minutes for the orange blur to get close enough to make out anything discernible and, when they did, the twins immediately wished they hadn't.

Yuzu dropped her weapon where it landed on the ground with a loud "clang" and covered her face with her hands screaming, "My eyes! Ichigo you _idiot!"_

Karin twitched and stared, unable to do anything else. She had seen Ichigo a lot like this when they were little because, after all, they bather together. But it had been years since the last time they'd bather together and she no longer remembered the details. Quite frankly, she wanted to go back to being ignorant.

Isshin dropped to his knees, the tip of his sword hitting the the pavement with a loud clatter. Tears streamed down his face as he yelled, "Oh, Ichigo! I always knew you had it in you!" He stood up and stretched out his arms, as if in preparation for a giant bear hug. "Come to Papa, Ichigo!"

Ichigo streaked right by his family, not seeming to notice a thing.

Isshin's arms immediately dropped as he started yelling things about sons and their pride.

While Isshin was going on and on about sons and some other such nonsense the twins gripped each others hand tightly and glared at their father.

"Since we don't have any brain bleach can we just beat him up for probably making Ichigo crack," Karin hissed.

Yuzu nodded, her eyes flaring with anger. "I couldn't have put it better myself sister."

The two pounced. Poor Isshin never saw it coming.

* * *

"Tis idiot ain't listenin' to ah ting I'mma sayin'!" Gin snapped as he smacked the orange haired idiot in the back of his head.

Stark sighed. "Why don' you twy snappin' 'em outta' thish sthupid insanity march?"

Gin huffed a tense little sigh. "If ah knew what tah say we wouldn' _be_ in dis mess now would we?"

Stark gave a little sigh as well before biting his bottom lip, thinking of _something_ that would snap Ichigo out of his stupid insanity fit. After all, didn't he know that this was just going to make Toshiro, Grimmjow, and Ulquiorra seek him out since they were connected, just like how and why Gin and Stark were trying so hard to get back to Rukia?

Stark lit up. "That's it!"

Gin glanced down at his companion curiously, his eyes open for once so that he could see better. "What's it?"

Stark grinned. "I tink ah know how tah shnap Ichigo out of hish fit of shutid-ness."

Gin lit up. "How's ya' goin' tah do that?"

Stark simply smirked. "Why bwackmail ah course."

With that said Stark carefully climbed up Ichigo's bare back and grabbed onto his hair on the side opposite Gin to keep from falling. After he was comfortable he fisted his hands into Ichigo's hair and murmured, "I know you can hwear meh ya' dumb orange head sho listen up!"

Ichigo gave no acknowledgment that he could hear him, but Stark didn't mind. He had an awful idea. An awful, mind blowing, _genius_ idea and he would make sure it worked!

"Ya' know," Stark began casually, "we're gonna' keep on followin' ya' even ifs ya' stay shupid. 'Magine what yer brats are gonna' do since der all bonded which ya' an stuff?"

Ichigo gave a full body flinch and slowed down.

Stark smirked wider while Gin simple stared at his fellow hellion in awe.

"Ya' get what ahm sayin' don't ya' Ichigo? It'll be like wif Nel excepts tens times worser. Ya'll never be able tah get rid of 'em. _Never_."

Ichigo flinched once more and slowly came to a stop. His once dull eyes seemed to be regaining that sparkle and charisma that drew so many people to him.

Gin decided to join in with a, "And don' forget yer friends. You tink duh kids'll be bad? Dey'll have _notin'_ on yer fwiends. Dey'll stalk ya' to duh ends of dah Earf and den some. Ya' really want dat?"

"Shut..._up_..." Ichigo mumbled, his eyes pinched at the corners. "Don'..._wanna_...come back. People..._evil_..."

Gin and Stark patted the orange haired boy on the head somewhat sympathetically. "Hey, ya' only have yerself to blame."

A few minutes passed in silence before Ichigo suddenly said, crystal clear, "I hate you. You know that right?"

The hellions simply smirked to themselves.

Mission accomplished.


End file.
